Recruiter: Mr RoboBiscuit, it seems like you are a really awesome guy. You appear to be energetic and charismatic. You appear to be just the man we are looking for. We have an open position and think you are the man for the job. It will involve lots of cold sales calls. The pay is bad, you will be working in a closet (no lighting), and the hours are intense. But I think there is good potential for you here.
(Posted a Sticker of a cup of coffee eating a Muffin)
Me: Sir, It is truly an honor to receive such an offer. I am excited! I am equipped for cold calling! Bad Base pay is okay as long as I can earn commission! The closet is totally fine as long as there is a computer screen and chances to leave the closet! Let me know how I can move forward in the hiring process!
Recruiter: Mr RoboBiscuit, It is great to hear back from you so soon! Well the good news for you is that you will earn excellent commission! The other upside is that there is no base pay (upside for me). As for the closet situation, well I’ll leave that open for negotiation. I’m glad to hear that you want to move forward in the hiring process. For the first step we are going to need to receive your resume and a 20″ head shot. After reviewing these pieces we will meet with you at a gentleman’s club where you will pay for a night that we will all remember. Depending on the success of that night we will determine what the outcome going forward will be. I look forward to hearing back from you. Sincerely, DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.
(Attached is Elaine from Seinfeld giggling a pencil around)
Me: WOW! This job opportunity is becoming better and better by the minute! This is indeed a very exciting opportunity for me! I just have a couple more questions about this phenomenal opportunity … … … Does the position provide any more benefits? Perhaps a 401k Matching plan? Does DARC Corp have any good looking female sales representatives? Are there opportunities for advancement within the organization? Thanks for your consideration on this matter. -DJ ROBO BISCUIT
Recruiter: Mr RoboBiscuit, I am glad to hear that you are interested in this opportunity. You bring up some good points. DARC Corp holds the belief that benefits are very important. So we provide all of our employees with the biggest benefit of all: Employment. As for other sorts of benefits, we believe that we should let you help yourself. You will feel so much more accomplished in life as you provide entirely for your retirement plan and healthcare. As for the good looking female sales representatives question. Well that is a question we can’t really answer online. But we can promise you a Kate Upton poster for your closet. One benefit I forgot to mention is our great hand-me-down system. We have subscriptions to all of the best dirty magazines and share these with our employees. Depending on your position in the company you may gain access to these magazines starting at 3 months delayed up to only two weeks delayed as you raise higher in the company. Believe me, there is a big difference between the magazine after two weeks and the three month marker. Believe me … Opportunities for advancement are unlimited. You have the ability at any time to refer and hire employees to work under you and you will gain a percentage of each of their revenue. Additionally if they refer further employees you will get percentages of that as well. You could start as a nobody and in six months have a team of hundreds working beneath you! At a certain point we may even upgrade you from a closet to a cubicle! Imagine having light! Sincerely, DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.
(Attached is a picture of a Cat working at a desk)
Response — (A Cat saying Thank you)
Me: Wow! This sounds like an unbelievable opportunity! With the employees working under me … … Do I have to pay them? Or perhaps they could be unpaid interns … … I am beginning to feel super high motivation, the thought of having the opportunity to be working in a cubicle with LIGHT is possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance.
End of interaction. Believe it or not, I did not take the job at DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.
-DJ ROBO BISCUIT (February 25th)