The Salaryman (Biscuit Fresh, Base)

The man awoke in his bed.

His eyes were heavy with sleep and his body was heavy with drink from the night before.

“Must get up.” The man murmured.

He arose.  He showered he dressed.  He had to move quickly to get to the train so he could get into the city.  He had to get to the office.

There were many men and women moving about.  All trying to get to their destination.    The man arrived at his corporation.   He moved into the elevator and curtly nodded to people he recognized.   As the elevator opened, the man made his way towards his cube.

He had a long day ahead.  He would have to work all day with an extra hour to finish his project.  Afterward he would meet his colleagues at a hostess bar so he could network and try to social climb.

 

The man is tired.  His life is often in a loop.  He must awake and go to work.  After work he goes to one of many bars to drink and socialize.  He then goes home so he can go to sleep and then wakes up and does it again.   He is the salaryman.

This man often does not have the time to think his own thoughts or to decide what is best for himself.   He must do what is best for his family but also what is best for society.  The hopes and dreams of one man do not compare to the needs of the whole society.

Sometimes the man considers to end the loop.  “Should I exit?”  The Salaryman thinks to himself.   He knew others had done it.  It was a tough choice to make.   Some men died because they had to work too much and there was not enough time for sleep.  Some men decided to take their own life and end the loop.   The man persisted as he hoped that slowly he could move towards a better life.

(End of post, biscuit, Salaryman)

Corporate Man (March 25th)

I drive to work.

I am prepared to represent the corporation.

I must prepare to work in a pleasant and courteous manner.

What is paramount is the customer.  I am obsessed about the customer.  It is vital to the survival of the company that the customer is satisfied.

I am prepared to seek out new customers.

I must maintain and pleasant and courteous manner.

I must not lose my cool.  I must not fall asleep.  I must self-motivate.  I must go above and beyond in my work.

I shall respond to emails in a quick and timely manner.

The customer must be satisfied.

No matter if they are mean or rude, I shall be pleasant.

I am a fortress of pleasantry.

 

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT, end of entry, March 25th

UnNamed Dave Part 6 – Company Big Team Meeting

Dave was working.  He was at his desk.  He was calling and emailing.  He was focused.  He had got his coffee from the coffee machine.  He had walked from the machine back to his desk.  He pointed at his friend along the way.  He had sat down at his desk and after about 5 minutes he got his mind back into the “flow” of work.

It was 2:30PM in the afternoon.  It was a slower part of the day.  Some of his fellow employees were working frantically to try to improve their numbers in order to hit their metric with the sole and only goal of not being harassed or pointed out by their manager.  You would think an organization would be more focused on meaningful work but alas the organization known as ComboTech was only truly interested in the appearance of productivity.

The Sales Director made an appearance.  He had left his office and was moving around.  People looked at him but made sure to look at their screens and give the appearance that they were working very hard.  They knew deep inside that he thought they were “lazy” and that the company was not doing well due to their laziness (it could not be a lack of leadership).

People were standing up from their cubes and moving towards the coffee machine area.  Dave was a little suspicious but he had seen cookies earlier.

As his coworkers stood up, he glanced at them and they also looked at him.  There was nervousness in the air.  The company morale was down.

Dave walked next to his friend Jeff.

As the workforce moved towards the cookies the Sales Director said “Everybody grab a cookie.”  His words were always kind of slurred for some odd reason.

Dave moved close to Jeff and whispered, “It was nice knowing you.  I guess this is the end for all of us.”

Jeff smiled and looked back at Dave, “See you on the unemployment line.”

The Sales Director looked around, “Alright everybody got a cookie?  Okay.  Into this room.”

The workforce moved as one, unsure if it would be their demise.

-End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Biscuit Meditation

It is night.  I am in my bed and I have been reading.  I have been thinking and pondering and contemplating.  Part of me says to write the novel.  or to write a clever story.   but will anyone read it?   Is the world interested?   Will i lose focus and quit?

I ponder different topics.  Science fiction, race, politics, 1984, dystopias … I wonder to myself if I can write a great story that will stand the test of time …

 

As the night gets later and later I know I will need to sleep.  I must sleep because i must be awake to go for work.   It makes me ponder time.   one good thing about being unemployed is that there is no pressure to wake up and be somewhere at a certain time.   But that lack of pressure creates some pressure because you feel like you are underachieving.  You are smart and talented but there is nothing you have to do.  Having too much freedom can be a curse because you have no structure.    But, once you have a job then you are constrained … you wake up and you must be at work and you will be there for 8 hours.   There could be stress and it will drain your energy.   there is trade – off.

My dreams have been odd.   Sometimes they have sex.  Sometimes they are violent.   Sometimes the dreams combine weird shapeshifting with people or ideas that come from the office workplace.   in the morning I must wake up but I will go back to sleep for 15 minute intervals which is where the dreams become weird.  The dreams bring in a weird concept of being fearful of work … …

There is a strange paradox to having a job.  You know it is good for you in a way so you can build experience and earn money but there are elements that are not as good like the time and stress and politics.   But of course you make friends with your co-workers and you laugh during the day.

The human condition must always be reflected upon and it is good to lead an examined life.

More Noodle World (March 12)

John Every left the sermon feeling excited and somewhat confused.  John could tell that Pastafarianism was a strange religion but it seemed that Christianity had some strangeness to it as well.

“I want to have some faith but I don’t want to be a crazy person.” John exclaimed.

He sighed.  He had to mentally prepare himself for work on Monday.

In recent news, Tina Creation did not have to prepare for work on Monday.  Tina Creation was excited.  She was putting on a nice dress as she was going to “make an appearance” at a Dinner.   Tina looked at herself in the mirror, she wanted to be sure that her oversize butt was obviously noticeable within her dress.

Tina sighed. “Making these appearances is tough but somebody has to do it.”

Tina looked in the mirror some more.  She made a variety of faces at herself in preparation for many photos, any of them could end up on the cover of a Magazine seen on a rack in a grocery store check-out aisle.

Sometimes Tina talked to herself.  “I bet if I just did SOMETHING I could get onto more magazines.   And I don’t know if I’m on TV enough…”

Tina had recently been having a very public romance with rapper/artist Dante South.  He was usually in the news and his relationship with Tina had been mutually beneficial.

Tina’s phone was buzzing.  It was her agent.  She picked up.

“Hey Tina.  Me, Andre.  Have you ever considered making a sex tape?” … … …

-End of Entry, Noodle World (fame)

World’s Greatest Job Offer (Feb 25th)

 

Recruiter:  Mr RoboBiscuit, it seems like you are a really awesome guy.  You appear to be energetic and charismatic.  You appear to be just the man we are looking for.   We have an open position and think you are the man for the job.    It will involve lots of cold sales calls.  The pay is bad, you will be working in a closet (no lighting), and the hours are intense.  But I think there is good potential for you here.

(Posted a Sticker of a cup of coffee eating a Muffin)

Me:  Sir,  It is truly an honor to receive such an offer.  I am excited!  I am equipped for cold calling!  Bad Base pay is okay as long as I can earn commission!  The closet is totally fine as long as there is a computer screen and chances to leave the closet!   Let me know how I can move forward in the hiring process!

Recruiter:   Mr RoboBiscuit,  It is great to hear back from you so soon!  Well the good news for you is that you will earn excellent commission!  The other upside is that there is no base pay (upside for me).  As for the closet situation, well I’ll leave that open for negotiation.  I’m glad to hear that you want to move forward in the hiring process.  For the first step we are going to need to receive your resume and a 20″ head shot.   After reviewing these pieces we will meet with you at a gentleman’s club where you will pay for a night that we will all remember.   Depending on the success of that night we will determine what the outcome going forward will be.    I look forward to hearing back from you.       Sincerely,   DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

(Attached is Elaine from Seinfeld giggling a pencil around)

Me:  WOW!  This job opportunity is becoming better and better by the minute!  This is indeed a very exciting opportunity for me!  I just have a couple more questions about this phenomenal opportunity … … … Does the position provide any more benefits?  Perhaps a 401k Matching plan?  Does DARC Corp have any good looking female sales representatives?  Are there opportunities for advancement within the organization?     Thanks for your consideration on this matter.  -DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Recruiter:  Mr RoboBiscuit,   I am glad to hear that you are interested in this opportunity.  You bring up some good points.  DARC Corp holds the belief that benefits are very important.  So we provide all of our employees with the biggest benefit of all: Employment.  As for other sorts of benefits, we believe that we should let you help yourself.  You will feel so much more accomplished in life as you provide entirely for your retirement plan and healthcare.        As for the good looking female sales representatives question.   Well that is a question we can’t really answer online.   But we can promise you a Kate Upton poster for your closet.        One benefit I forgot to mention is our great hand-me-down system.  We have subscriptions to all of the best dirty magazines and share these with our employees.  Depending on your position in the company you may gain access to these magazines starting at 3 months delayed up to only two weeks delayed as you raise higher in the company.   Believe me, there is a big difference between the magazine after two weeks and the three month marker.  Believe me …       Opportunities for advancement are unlimited.  You have the ability at any time to refer and hire employees to work under you and you will gain a percentage of each of their revenue.  Additionally if they refer further employees you will get percentages of that as well.  You could start as a nobody and in six months have a team of hundreds working beneath you!    At a certain point we may even upgrade you from a closet to a cubicle!  Imagine having light!       Sincerely, DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

(Attached is a picture of a Cat working at a desk)

Response — (A Cat saying Thank you)

Me:  Wow!   This sounds like an unbelievable opportunity!  With the employees working under me … … Do I have to pay them?  Or perhaps they could be unpaid interns … …     I am beginning to feel super high motivation, the thought of having the opportunity to be working in a cubicle with LIGHT is possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

 

End of interaction.  Believe it or not, I did not take the job at DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT (February 25th)