The Amateur Diaries Revisited

I wanted to knock that smirk off of his face.  His ugly face.  His face had the look of blissful ignorance.  What a fool!  He barely knew how to hit topspin!

Josh was playing once again in an epic battle against Patrick.  They were truly playing an epic match on the public courts of their city.  The other two courts were empty and there were some kids playing TeeBall two hundred yards east.

The two men walked to change sides.

“Well, my talent is on display yet again!”  Josh boasted.

“Yeah, Yeah.”  Said Patrick.

“Hey man.  It’s going to be tough to beat me.  I am really on fire today if I do say so myself.”  Josh swallowed some water and walked to his side of the court.

I will beat you.  This victory shall be mine.  I just need to run your chubby body!

Patrick could feel his determination rising.

Josh served the ball.  Patrick hit his return into the net.  FUDGE!

“Let’s go me!”  Josh yelled and fist pumped.

Ugh!  Bad sportsmanship.

There was a woman jogging who was well-endowed.  There was a noticeable “bounce” to her run.  Her ponytailed hair bounced side-to-side as she moved with her heavenly stride.

Oh no!

Patrick creamed his pants.  His inner thigh and crotch area became sticky and uncomfortable.

“I don’t know why but I can sense that my victory is assured!”  Yelled out Josh across the net.  He had not seen the jogging woman.

(END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

 

Tennis, Yoga Pants, Endowments

I was worried.  I did not want Lululemon to make an appearance.  My feeble man-brain and crotch can only handle so much estrogen nearby.  The last time that a beautiful Yoga Pants girl ran by it completely derailed me.

I was battling my rival Josh.  Today, he walked with swagger.  He was feeling extra confident.  His face carried a smugness that I just wanted to punch.  Punch HARD!

I was preparing to toss my ball in order to hit a beautiful kick (topspin) serve.  But in the corner of my eye, the devil had sent one of his minions.  There she was.  She was sweaty.  But the sweat was like dots of ambrosia (the nectar of the Gods).   Just wearing a sports bra and form-fitting yoga pants.  I think I was in love.   She did not look that different from my old flame, LuluLemon (I have to call her LuluLemon because I do not know her name).

I lost the game.  My mind was totally on new Yoga Pants girl.

As me and Josh changed sides he was blabbering about how he had added Pinterest to his collection of Social Media.   (In my mind:  Nobody cares Josh.)   He mentioned something about “pinning” a tennis racquet to his board or whatever after he defeated me.

I really wanted to defeat Josh.   But I also wanted to make sweet love to these yoga pants girls.

Tennis is hard.

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

I Battle Josh and My Own Mind (Amateur)

I was playing Josh once again.

His backhand was working well.  He had a rock solid two-handed backhand.  He would step in and rotate well.  He also disguised his shot and I did not know if he would go down the line or go crosscourt.

On the changeover he was annoying.  “Hey man you are playing well. But not well enough.”  He smirked.

I said “You are hitting your backhand nicely.”

“What do you expect?  My backhand is a beast.  And I am a beast.”  Words of wisdom from Josh.  He truly was a master of humility.

I could not let Josh defeat me as he would post the victory to his Facebook wall.  This is not acceptable to me.   The public (a.k.a Josh’s 700 Facebook friends) must not know of my defeat at the hands of Josh.

 

Many people were walking by.  I think it was almost mixed doubles time.   There was a beautiful Indian woman passing by.   She was well endowed.   My concentration was lost.  I wondered if her husband was her mixed doubles partner.  Or perhaps it was a different man who was good at tennis.  And maybe they saw each other sometimes.  Maybe there was an affair.  Maybe she was split between her tennis life and her personal life.   Josh Ace’d me.  Damn.

“Let’s Go!”  Josh yelled out.

This is slipping away from me.  I must focus.

I plant my feet and drive the ball.   I hit to his forehand which is his weaker side and I get the unforced error from him.  “VAMOS!”  I yell.    Deep in my mind I hope the lovely Indian lady hears my voice.   Perhaps I could be the third man in her life.

I gotta keep my head in the game.  I can not let Josh defeat me.

(END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

P.S. Feel free to check out the “Noodle World” series on my blog (it is a satire with religion)

Amateur Diaries Part 2

It was another battle with Josh.   I really really did not want to lose my battle against Josh.  I was worried if I lost he would post on his Facebook wall that he defeated the “Young Buck” or something along those lines.

I AM NOT THE YOUNG BUCK!

But as the match progressed I was having a hard time staying focused.

I was lost in my thoughts.  “Did Ronald Reagan lose his mind?”  “Did The Press crucify Bill Clinton too much?”  “Is the Military-Industrial Complex a real thing?”   “Will I ever find true love?”

I am missing balls in the net.    ZING! ZANG! WHOMP!    “Ace!” Josh yells out in his annoying voice.

I gotta keep it together.

I see a chipmunk find a nut next to the court.  I am completely lost in contemplation.  I wonder if that chipmunk has a family.   Do they love each other the same as us humans?

“Ace!” Josh yells out.

Damn.  I am getting spanked.

A beautiful lady walks by.  I lose it.   There are just too many distractions.  “Is that a single lady?” “Will she by my wife?”

Why do women always wear their sexy clothes to work out in?

“ACE!”  Josh’s serve flies past my racquet.

Man, this is just like that movie, Wimbledon, everything is happening kind of cheesy and I don’t even get to sleep with Kirsten Dunst!   Damn.   I really do not want Josh to post on Facebook about defeating me.

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

The Tennis Match (Amateur Diaries)

I was on court battling hard.

I just missed a backhand in the net.

I was working extra hard to defeat my opponent!  I MUST win!

It was looking like a tough match.  I had to play one of my rivals, JOSH!  I was very worried about losing.  If I lost, he was sure to post some kind of lame status on his Facebook Wall.  I could not allow that to happen.

I went to serve.  As I threw my ball up in the air, something caught my eye.  I swung and missed!

“HA HA !   Fault!” Josh yelled at me.

I looked to my left.  It was only a squirrel. Damn!  I thought extra hard inside my own mind.

I was battling hard for my points.  But Josh won the game.   We had to change sides.

“Man, I am hitting the balls great.” Said Josh.

Josh is extra annoying and he enjoys telling me how good he is at tennis.  I MUST defeat him to silence him.

We began to play points again.  I was soon to strike a backhand but then a young woman ran by the courts.  She was jogging.  I think she might have been a goddess.  She had brown hair and was in GREAT physical shape.  I could tell that she was wearing LuluLemon brand yoga pants.  I began to wonder “What is her name?”  “Is she close to my age?”

“Game.” Said Josh.

CRAP!  LuluLemon girl cost me that whole game.  I was completely out of it.  Now my whole mind was on LuluLemon.   Will she return?   Please God, I hope she is running in a circle so she shall return and see me defend my honor against the evil Josh.

(End of Entry, Tennis Diaries)