The Life of a Human Cow (For God)

The Beautiful fur covers the body.   Soft.   Fluffy.  White.   You are the enemy of many chickens.

The nearby human places your head onto your body.    ZIP!   ZIP!      The fur is on.     You are not a naked creature!     The pajamas are placed onto your furry body.

“Out to the corner.”  A mysterious voice demands.

The world can only be half-seen.   Light floods in as the back door is open.   Sidewalk Sidewalk.   WALK WALK (cow hoof on the ground, cow hoof on the ground)

The temperature is warm.   STEP STEP STEP.     You stop at your destination.    You are a Bovine Prostitute.

“Dancing Time.”

A homeless man laying on the street turns his head.  He sees a large cow dancing around on the street corner.    Cars are driving by honking.   “Anything for a dollar.”  Homeless Jim slurs his words.

The human creature within the Bovine costume slowly tires.    DANCE DANCE DANCE.   The cars continue their honks.

Sweat drips down into the eyes of the human.   The eyes can not be touched through the blocking apparatus of the COW head.

The sweaty cow-human walks back to home base.

ZIP ZIP.   The Head is removed.    It is a human man.    Into the freezer for you.    ENJOY that cold pepsi.

(This establishment is closed on Sundays)

This sweaty cow-man brings joy to small kids and slight terror to confused dogs.

Praise the Lord!   Jesus loves chicken sandwiches.

“Hey Cow!   Out to the corner!”

My pleasure.

 

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT (a man who used to be a COW)

 

 

Pokemon Red/Blue are Still BadAss (Yes.)

Red and Blue are packed full of Badass-ness.   There is no doubt.

Like that Rival battle theme (the final battle)! YES!   When that theme was playing you were thinking “This is some REAL shit happening right here!”     The music in the Pokemon Mansion — you are thinking “WOAH!  This is kind of techno-y WOAH!    oh shit I just picked up Solarbeam! YES!”

And then there is the Gym Leader Battle Music!   YES!    Orgasmically intense!   Everyone is thinking the same thing: “’bout to get one more badge playa!”     “HA HA HA foolish Erica, I picked Charizard — burn burn burn burn burn GAME OVER!”

And those designs!   Pikachu was a little chubby, and Raichu was a HUGE fatty!  Muk and Weezing looked exactly the way they should!   Mr. Mime was a Pokemon you don’t let near your children (“uh oh I’m about to touch something!”).    In Red/Blue Rhyhorn looked pretty derpy.     Mewtwo was a straight up Alien.   Arbok was HUGE!    Gloom was drooling.   And DRAGONITE just looked strange!    He is supposed to be a total badass, which is why you leveled up that Dratini…. and then he looks ultra derpy!        But DRAGONAIR is looking GOOD!     GENGAR, ALAKAZAM, BLASTOISE, and MACHAMP!   They all look great!

The game has an awesome soundtrack!    There are some game-changing moments.   Like if you catch that Dugtrio in the cave, you just gained an instant strong pokemon that can crush Lt. Surge!      You get the eevee and BOOM!   Flareon or Jolteon!     Once you stumble upon Zapdos in the Power Plant, OMG you can get rid of your electric type and flying type because Zapdos is a BEAST!

The game simply has a high level of “coolness.”   Your rival was tough (and an asshole  [especially for showing up when you get out of Dark Cave WTF?!?!]).    It has a definite sense of adventure and discovery.   AND the Elite Four was HARD!   Their pokemon were all high level and your Rival has a Level 70 Blastoise (big shift from the sequel GOLD where the Elite Four maxes out at 50).   Be SURE to get Ice Beam so you have a chance at beating LANCE (he has that cape).

HIGHLY RECOMMEND you check out the original pokemon games.   They are badass and they are CLASSIC!   gotta catch em’ all!

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Getting Started with Personal Finance

 

If you are totally new to the concept of Personal Finance or Financial Literacy, this is a good place to start.

Let’s just say you have 3 basic “levels” (the goal is to make it up to Super Saiyan 3 #Goku #BetterThanVegeta #DragonBallZ)

Many people live paycheck-to-paycheck.  You work all week for two weeks and then you get paid.  POOF!  The money is gone.  It has been spent.    Food, Car, House, significant other, fresh shoes, credit card payment, WHATEVER the money is gone.         You are stuck in a vicious cycle:   Work Work Work – get paid- money is all gone – Work Work Work        and so on and so on    until you are an old person ready to retire with no savings  and it is a PROBLEM.

People who are doing better than P2P (Paycheck-to-Paycheck) are able to save some of their money.      The Paycheck comes in and some of the money is put away into savings.  A lot of times the savings will be spent, possibly on a “nice family vacation” or perhaps on a college fund for the kids (A respectable expense).

If you want to master personal finance you want to get to Super Saiyan 3 level: Your Money Works For You.  The money that you have saved you have invested it.  Or the money that you use, it is involved in a business.   INVEST and/or CREATE PASSIVE INCOME!    Make your money while you sleep or make your money without having to go to work.    Being a Bestselling author is one way to do it.   Another way to do it is to be a YouTube star (see PewDeePie).   or REAL ESTATE!  (Rich Dad Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki).

This should be enough info to get you started.   The internet is full of material and content that educates about Financial Literacy.   A good guy to start will is Dave Ramsey or possibly even Tony Robbins (Famous Self-Help Guru).

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT

The Connected Countries of Western Pangea (A North American Satire)

“In recent news, an innocent man was shot dead.”  The newswoman was talking.  She was a pretty girl, with blond hair and blue eyes (obviously born and groomed to read the news on television).  “The 26 year old man, Michael Johnson, was shot and killed by a 55 year old Timothy Flanders.   The car of Timothy Flanders slid off the road due to ice, as Johnson parked his car and tried to come to Flanders’ aid … Flanders emerged from his car behaving in a belligerent way and fired his automatic pistol into Johnson.   While Johnson was on the ground, Flanders fired 3 more times, killing Johnson.    Flanders then got back into his car.   The Police and SWAT team came to arrest him; he resisted arrest.”  The blond girl looked into the camera, only slightly phased by the story.  “A tragic story indeed.   In recent news, a local bakery produced the world’s biggest cookie … … ”

Over in Eastern Pangea, 26 year old Graduate Students laughed at the stupidity of the people of Western Pangea.    “Can you believe this?”  “It is totally crazy over there.” “This is what happens when anybody can get a gun.”  The Eastern Pangea students laughed and laughed and drank some tea.

In Western Pangea, The supporters of guns were preparing their comeback.

White Leadership candidate #1:  The people of this great nation MUST have guns!  Without them we will be victims of terror!

White Leadership candidate #2: As human beings it is our God-given right to have access to guns!  I have faith that the people of Western Pangea will do the right thing and support our civil liberties!

White Leadership candidate #3:  It is a tragedy for that young man to lose his life, HOWEVER, it can not be calculated how many lives guns have SAVED as a result of the people of this GREAT nation having access to guns.   And once I am elected as your White Leader, I will ensure the supply of guns flows easily to the people!  So we may guarantee our safety on Domestic Soil!   God Bless Western Pangea!

“That’s our man right there,” spoke Bob Smith.   Bob Smith and Alan Ryan sat in high-backed chairs in their local Golf-and-Swim Club.  “White Leadership Candidate #3, I think he has our best interests at heart.”

Alan Ryan spoke up.  “It looks like this is the kind of man that the Western Pangea Gun Association can throw its vast resources behind.”

“All of these damn liberals are going to get up in arms about this young man’s death.  We are going to have to double down and make sure the people of Western Pangea know of the constant danger they are in.”  Bob Smith looked confident.

Members of the WPGA prepared to make numerous appearances on POX News and educate the people of Western Pangea about the Absolute Need for widespread access to guns.  Also, they made sure to prepare arguments in regards to the “Paper of Rights” and the necessary Freedom of the people to own guns.

Meanwhile, the Parents of Michael Johnson mourned the senseless death of their only son.

— January 25th, 2015 ; Dr. DJ Robo Biscuit

 

 

Noodle World — Entry #3

(Slam Dunk, Basketball)

“Oh yeah!  Big Dunk from B.J Besley!”  The commentator was excited.

Besley, a tall african american male, made a circular motion with his index and middle finger.

“Besley!  Stirring the pot!”

“Cooking up some pasta!”  The commentators maintained their excitement.

Besley made some motions with his hands as if to open up an imaginary can …

“Oh My Noodle!  Besley is opening a can of sauce!”

“Right you are Jim!  Could be Marinara!  He is adding the sauce into the noodles!”

“And he is stirring it up!”

“Showing some good respect to the church.”

B.J Besley reaches into his jersey and pulls out his chain, then he kisses it.  On the end of the chain is a small, golden Noodle Monster.

“He’s a religious man alright!  Without a doubt Besley is an individual who has indeed been touched by His Noodle.”

“So talented.  The power of carbs definitely flows through his veins!”

“R’amen Jim.  R’amen.”

John Every was watching the basketball game on his home television.  He shook his head.

— End of Entry #3, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit

Noodle World – Entry #2

Pastafarians celebrate every Friday as a Holy Day.

John enjoyed his Thursday.  The day was pleasant.  John had some delicious Hibachi shrimp at lunch time and he devoured a succulent lamb kebab at dinner.  Thursday was not a perfect day.  While eating his Hibachi Shrimp at Speedy Japan (the quick japanese food in the strip mall) he was uncomfortable with the wall decor.   There was a poster on the wall of a stout Asian man fishing in a small river with bamboo surrounding him  (which John expected from a Japanese restaurant).  However, next to the eastern influenced poster, there was a representation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The Pasta Deity had one of his noodles around a samurai sword and at the bottom of the poster it read “HE is with Japan.”

John thought to himself, “This seems offensive to me.  Shouldn’t the people of Japan have some kind of native beliefs?”

After a night of sleeping the day had become Friday.  Many people were wearing their colanders.  John usually did not wear a pasta strainer on his head.  He personally thought it was “a little odd.”

He was having a hard time deciding on his Friday Lunch.  As John drove down the road he thought, “Maybe a chicken sandwich.”   He happened to be driving on BlackBeard Road which John remembered had a Chicken Phils.    He became excited as he got closer, imagining the delicious taste of that savory chicken sandwich in his mouth (maybe even with a Phd Pepper [a sweet soft drink]).

As his car came upon the Chicken Restaurant, his heart dropped upon seeing the store lights were not on.  “Damn!  It’s Friday.  Why would a fast casual restaurant see a need to close every Friday?!  Don’t they know I want to eat their chicken?!”  John was not happy.

As he drove to BeauJanes (another chicken restaurant) John thought questioning thoughts  over the influence that religion should have over business … …

End of Entry Number 2, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit.