Noodle World (Cereal)(March 20)

John Every walked through the supermarket.

He reached the breakfast section.     His eyes stopped on a cereal box with a picture of the Holy being itself, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, on the cover.    The Noodle Diety had many noodles touching chocolate balls on the cover (these balls were in a bowl of milk).

John read the name, “Noodle-O’s.”   He then read the slogan at the bottom, “All touched by His Noodle.”

John shook his head.

John Every looked around the breakfast section.  It appeared that almost all of the cereal boxes had a Noodle Monster on it.     Except for one solitary box in the corner … … …

-End of Entry (Cereal)

Advertisements

The Gathering (March 16th) (Noodle)

John sat in the basement.  Many people were excited.

A man with white hair and wild eyes was at the podium.  He was ready to address the crowd.

“This world is a complicated place.   There are many people around.   Some are more pure than others.   But we must think about the future!”

John wasn’t sure where this rhetoric was going.

“In order for the purity of this race to maintain we must be able to plan.   The act of Love must not be taken lightly!   There is a consequence!  There is the continuation of life!”

“Only the CHOSEN among us may be the Seed-Bearers.    A Birther can handle the seed of anyone.  However, we do not want the seeds of the tainted to enter the Birther and pollute this world!   Being a Seed-Bearer is the highest honor and it must be respected so we can maintain purity!”

Some of the men in the crowd were intense with their eyes.  You could see they deeply wanted to be the Seed-Bearers.  There were some other men at the gathering, men of a dark skin who did not look as happy.

The White-haired man continued.  “We are under attack from all sides!  As a people we must be strong!  And the people that come after us must be strong!  They must be a pure people!”         There were men in the crowd who nodded in agreement.    The men with dark complexion were not happy.

John Every thought within his mind, “I don’t know if this is the right place for me … ”

John slowly exited the basement.  He could see that some of those men were ready to listen to the White-Haired man (no matter what he said).

-End of Entry (Gathering)

Working with Marko (March 16th)(Milk)

John Every worked with a man named Marko.   Marko was a handsome man and he had dark hair.   Sometimes Marko liked to discuss his cuban heritage (John did not care).

They worked in a nice establishment.   They both had the same manager and there was a refrigerator.   Within this refrigerator there was a supply of milk.    The milk was for the organization.

All employees were allowed ONE item of milk per day.  It was company policy.

Marko enjoyed drinking milk.  He also liked stealing milk from the refrigerator.

John had witnessed this before.  John usually did not mind BUT one time Marko stole some of John’s milk.    … … No.    John thought in his head, “No.”

John Every told the manager.    The manager looked on the company video log (there was a surveillance camera aimed at the refrigerator).       The cameras showed 16 times that Marko had stolen milk from the refrigerator.

The manager called Marko into his office.

“Marko, we have proof of you stealing milk.”  He showed Marko all of the footage.  “Marko, that is clearly you.   This goes against company policy.   I will either terminate you at the end of the day or you can choose to resign with dignity.”

Marko walked out of the office.  He was embarrassed.  He wrote down a note and gave it to the manager.  Marko then collected his things and left the organization.

The manager announced to all workers that Marko had quit.  He read the note:  “It seems to me that working at this establishment was simply Not The Noodle’s plan.  The almighty Noodle has sent me a sign.  I am quitting today and moving on with my career.  Sincerely, Marko.”

John was somewhat confused.  He witnessed Marko stealing the milk.  He had a feeling his manager gave Marko the option of quitting.   John just did not think the Holy Noodle was involved at all in this scenario … …

-End of Entry (Rationalization)

The Story of Noodle World (Compilation)

Entry #1

The young couple entered the place of worship. They saw high ceilings and wooden pews. There were old people walking around slowly. As John Every looked up at the glass paned windows his brow crumpled slightly. On the glass panes was a beautiful design which had dated back for centuries: The Flying Spaghetti Monster. There it was in all of its magnificence. The Noodles. The Meatballs. The Eyes.

The elderly entered the ancient wooden doors. There was a tiny bowl of marinara sauce next to the door. The old women reached down two fingers, dipped them into the marinara sauce, and began her homage. She made it look as her two fingers were stirring a pot of spaghetti and then placed the marinara sauce into her mouth. She then looked up to the Carbohydrate Monster on the window: “R’amen,” she spoke in a soft voice.

John Every and his girlfriend walked through the old cathedral. They walked over to a piece of art that the elderly were crowding around. There was an art structure on display. There were pirate statues. There were Sun-beings. There were normal folk. All of whom, were being touched, by His Noodle Appendage. The elderly looked upon the tribute with respect.

The young couple walked into the cemetery next to the cathedral. Each grave plot had a Death-rock with a small design of The Flying Spaghetti Monster on it. Usually the Death-rocks had words on them. “She was a kind woman.” “This man lived a life.” “This man and his mistresses met a swift death.” “She was TRULY touched by His Noodle.” There was a grieving family placing a small bowl of plain pasta next to one of the Death-rocks.

“Touching,” said Virginia-Mary (John Every’s girlfriend).

“You know, sometimes I get the feeling that things shouldn’t be this way. Shouldn’t there be a nicer way of saying it than ‘Death-rock?’ And shouldn’t there be a higher moral to live up to than this pasta monster?” John whispered to Virginia-Mary.

“Don’t be so offensive John. This is a cemetery.” Virginia-Mary chided John.

— End of Entry One, DJ RoboBiscuit

Noodle World Entry #2

Pastafarians celebrate every Friday as a Holy Day.

John enjoyed his Thursday. The day was pleasant. John had some delicious Hibachi shrimp at lunch time and he devoured a succulent lamb kebab at dinner. Thursday was not a perfect day. While eating his Hibachi Shrimp at Speedy Japan (the quick japanese food in the strip mall) he was uncomfortable with the wall decor. There was a poster on the wall of a stout Asian man fishing in a small river with bamboo surrounding him (which John expected from a Japanese restaurant). However, next to the eastern influenced poster, there was a representation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Pasta Deity had one of his noodles around a samurai sword and at the bottom of the poster it read “HE is with Japan.”

John thought to himself, “This seems offensive to me. Shouldn’t the people of Japan have some kind of native beliefs?”

After a night of sleeping the day had become Friday. Many people were wearing their colanders. John usually did not wear a pasta strainer on his head. He personally thought it was “a little odd.”

He was having a hard time deciding on his Friday Lunch. As John drove down the road he thought, “Maybe a chicken sandwich.” He happened to be driving on BlackBeard Road which John remembered had a Chicken Phils. He became excited as he got closer, imagining the delicious taste of that savory chicken sandwich in his mouth (maybe even with a Phd Pepper [a sweet soft drink]).

As his car came upon the Chicken Restaurant, his heart dropped upon seeing the store lights were not on. “Damn! It’s Friday. Why would a fast casual restaurant see a need to close every Friday?! Don’t they know I want to eat their chicken?!” John was not happy.

As he drove to BeauJanes (another chicken restaurant) John thought questioning thoughts over the influence that religion should have over business … …

-End of Entry Number 2, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit.

Noodle World Entry #3

(Slam Dunk, Basketball)

“Oh yeah! Big Dunk from B.J Besley!” The commentator was excited.

Besley, a tall african american male, made a circular motion with his index and middle finger.

“Besley! Stirring the pot!”

“Cooking up some pasta!” The commentators maintained their excitement.

Besley made some motions with his hands as if to open up an imaginary can …

“Oh My Noodle! Besley is opening a can of sauce!”

“Right you are Jim! Could be Marinara! He is adding the sauce into the noodles!”

“And he is stirring it up!”

“Showing some good respect to the church.”

B.J Besley reaches into his jersey and pulls out his chain, then he kisses it. On the end of the chain is a small, golden Noodle Monster.

“He’s a religious man alright! Without a doubt Besley is an individual who has indeed been touched by His Noodle.”

“So talented. The power of carbs definitely flows through his veins!”

“R’amen Jim. R’amen.”

John Every was watching the basketball game on his home television. He shook his head.

— End of Entry #3, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit

Entry #4

I just don’t know man, I am having doubts… …

It seems hard to believe that this Noodle Monster is the creator!!! I just don’t feel that there is a connection between Pirates and Global warming. How do people know that it isn’t just a normally occurring phenomena?

Nobody feels weird about this? They don’t think that it’s odd for us to worship a Noodle Monster???

Wouldn’t it make more sense for our Diety to be … I don’t know … a man?

“Woah man, you are sounding kind of crazy.”

Wouldn’t a powerful god create man in his image? Why would a Gigantic Spaghetti Monster create human beings?

I know it’s the popular religion …. … but but but maybe there is an alternative?

I may consider seeking out a cult.

“Woah my man, I am a little bit worried about you.”

-End of Entry. (Doubt)

Entry #5

White male. Brown Beard. Brown hair. He wore a white robe. Sandals. His face was calm.

The hairy white male scanned the smooth lake surface. He slowly closed his eyes … … held them closed for 5 seconds and then opened them. He placed his right foot forward.

On the other side of the lake, their was a pirate. He was a smelly pirate and he had a beard. This pirate wore black boots and looked like a smelly pirate. This pirate enjoyed drinking Rum. His name was Smelly Alfredo.

Smelly Alfredo looked out towards the lake. There was a man. Smelly Alfredo saw this man.

“Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr unbelievable. He be walking on the water.” Alfredo slurred his words.

The robed man with a beard was standing in the middle of the lake. His feet were firmly on the top of the lake surface. It appeared to be a miracle.

Smelly Alfredo reached into his Pirate Satchel (the official carrying sack of Pirate) and grabbed his Colander (Pasta Strainer). He placed the pasta device on his head. The colander infused him with Noodle Strength. As Smelly Alfredo looked out onto the Lake he could see that the white-bearded-man was being held above the water by a large Noodle. The Noodle was wrapped around his waist and the Noodley Noodle stretched up into the clouds.

“This man has been blessed by His Noodle.” Smelly Alfredo removed his colander and went back to sleep to dream Pirate dreams. “R’amen.”

-End of Entry, (Blasphemy).

Entry #6

The scholar sat in his chair. He was old and his eyes were deep. They were the eyes of knowledge and these eyes were a piercing green.

“There was a time when this world was not this way. People did not flock to the temples of Hubbard. His Noodle was not The Noodle. The happenings have been bizarre.”

“What do you mean?”

“Things were different. The Gods were different and the numbers were bigger. If you wanted to follow Jesus you didn’t have to do it in secret. But things changed within this world. Something happened.”

“But what is it? What happened?”

“It was the people. And the Young People. They rejected the religions. They thought they had outsmarted it.”

-End of Entry

Entry #7

John Every entered the basement. It was noisy. People were talking.

There was a man in the front of the room prepping for his presentation. He was wearing a robe and a fancy hat.

As John looked around the room he noticed a curiosity in the eyes of the people. He could see they were hungry for something and they seemed to have a fervent social desire. He sensed their desire for connection. It was in their eyes. Their eyes. They wanted … something.

John had a seat. He noticed there was a lower case letter “T” on the wall.

The robed man faced the crowd and began his talk.

“I thank you all for coming. We know why we are here in this place. This world is lacking faith … ”

The man in the robes began his talk.

“I say Hallelujah! I say Hallelujah!”

“You people, you need something! Something real! Something that is strong that you can feel!”

John Every looked around the room. He saw twinkles in the eyes of the gathered people.

“People are not happy! We are living in a Devil’s World! I feel sorry for the sinners out there! And I have compassion for the sinners in here! For we all have some sin!”

“The people of this world, they have betrayed the Lord! I’m talking about the almighty GOD! I’m talking about Jesus Christ!”

“How could they give up on our Lord and Savior? How could they accept a Monster made of Noodles?”

“It goes back to Nietzsche. We know the tale of the Madman. ‘God is dead. And we have killed him.’ That is what it was. It was Man. It was our Minds!”

“The people of this world. They thought they could outTHINK God! They thought they could use Logic and Reason to prove him not there. But let me tell you something, He is Real! I Believe! I can FEEL him! God is all-knowing and all-seeing! They thought they could hide from him and join forces with a Pasta Monster BUT I SAY NO!”

The people were cheering.

“You are on the path to salvation! You are on the true path!”

“And we will NOT engage in pre-marital sex! It is frowned upon by The Lord!”

John Every was enjoying the spirituality of this Christianity. But he felt uneasy about letting his belief have control over his sex life.

-End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

That is the tale so far.  The story of Noodle World will continue.   If you enjoyed the story, please share it.

 

Open Letter to Donald Trump

Dear Donald Trump,

Please stop hurting America.

Things in this country are changing.  I know some people do not like change.  “The Cheese has moved.”  The changing of America is something that Conservative White People must come to terms with.   Today in the USA there are more interracial couples and interracial friendships than there ever have been before.  Kids in public schools are learning and growing within a climate of diversity.    Children are learning in classrooms that have black students and asian students and hispanic students and white students.   Conservative White America can not stop the people of different races from coming together and loving one another.     Diversity promotes more diversity.

The nation is experiencing a wave of change.   Interracial couples will produce interracial children.   These interracial children will lead to even more diverse children.   And so on and so on.   People across the nation have learned that people should not be judged by the color of their skin, BUT by the content of their character.   I hope the people of this nation also know that the same goes for religion.   People of differing religions CAN get along because we are all ONE people and we are all ONE nation.   Stop dividing the nation Donald Trump!

America does not need Xenophobia.

You are just like CNN’s Crossfire: Bad for America.  When Jon Stewart took down Crossfire, it was a television show that was hurting America in that it was DIVISIVE.  It was not a debate show, it was simply a polarizing argument between sides that would not compromise.  Mr. Trump, you are not a UNIFY-ER.  If you were somebody that wanted to Unite People then why are you so committed to building a wall on the Mexican border?  If you want to Unite People, shouldn’t America be a home to Syrian refugees?  Can America be a home to Muslims?    I want to be clear:  NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE TERRORISTS.  Right?  Just like how not all White Christian Men are in the KKK.  Right?  I bet you can find SOME White God-Loving Men in the KKK but clearly not ALL White Christian Men are in the KKK.    Right?   MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT TERRORISTS.

Please stop fear-mongering and sensationalizing.   America is not a “White Nation.”  This country is a melting pot.  This country is FOR diversity.   This country is FOR immigrants.  After all, aren’t we ALL Immigrants?

If America is going to be throwing their votes to a fascist.  I’ll be giving mine to Vermin Supreme.  At least Vermin is a “FRIENDLY fascist.”

Please stop hurting America.  Let the love in.

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT, concerned American citizen

Things that are Awesome (March 7th)(Mon)

DJ ROBO BISCUIT letting the people know things that are awesome.

Thing number one: Star Wars Clone Wars (Genndy Tartakovsky) General Grievous vs Jedi (HIGH level of awesome on this one.  Completely over the top fight with coolness to the Max!)

Thing number two: Rick and Morty.  The show is a work of brilliance.  If you appreciate science fiction then this is a fantastic show!

Thing number three: Fabrice Santoro.  Santoro was a professional tennis player and people called him “The Magician.”  He had a two-handed forehand slice and he would cut players to death.  Marat Safin said that seeing your name in the draw next to his was like being told “you were about to die.”

Thing number four:  Minato vs Tobi.  The Fourth Hokage faces off against the Masked Man in a fast and epic fight.  The battle truly pays respect to the speed of Ninja fights (and of course, to The Yellow Flash)

Thing number five: David Foster Wallace.  DFW is awesome.  A modern writer who was a genius of his craft.  Truly sad that he lost his life to depression (suicide).  Check out “Infinite Jest” or his movie “The End of the Tour.”

Thing number six: Noodle World by DJ ROBO BISCUIT.  It is a rising star and beautiful display of satire.

World’s Greatest Job Offer (Feb 25th)

 

Recruiter:  Mr RoboBiscuit, it seems like you are a really awesome guy.  You appear to be energetic and charismatic.  You appear to be just the man we are looking for.   We have an open position and think you are the man for the job.    It will involve lots of cold sales calls.  The pay is bad, you will be working in a closet (no lighting), and the hours are intense.  But I think there is good potential for you here.

(Posted a Sticker of a cup of coffee eating a Muffin)

Me:  Sir,  It is truly an honor to receive such an offer.  I am excited!  I am equipped for cold calling!  Bad Base pay is okay as long as I can earn commission!  The closet is totally fine as long as there is a computer screen and chances to leave the closet!   Let me know how I can move forward in the hiring process!

Recruiter:   Mr RoboBiscuit,  It is great to hear back from you so soon!  Well the good news for you is that you will earn excellent commission!  The other upside is that there is no base pay (upside for me).  As for the closet situation, well I’ll leave that open for negotiation.  I’m glad to hear that you want to move forward in the hiring process.  For the first step we are going to need to receive your resume and a 20″ head shot.   After reviewing these pieces we will meet with you at a gentleman’s club where you will pay for a night that we will all remember.   Depending on the success of that night we will determine what the outcome going forward will be.    I look forward to hearing back from you.       Sincerely,   DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

(Attached is Elaine from Seinfeld giggling a pencil around)

Me:  WOW!  This job opportunity is becoming better and better by the minute!  This is indeed a very exciting opportunity for me!  I just have a couple more questions about this phenomenal opportunity … … … Does the position provide any more benefits?  Perhaps a 401k Matching plan?  Does DARC Corp have any good looking female sales representatives?  Are there opportunities for advancement within the organization?     Thanks for your consideration on this matter.  -DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Recruiter:  Mr RoboBiscuit,   I am glad to hear that you are interested in this opportunity.  You bring up some good points.  DARC Corp holds the belief that benefits are very important.  So we provide all of our employees with the biggest benefit of all: Employment.  As for other sorts of benefits, we believe that we should let you help yourself.  You will feel so much more accomplished in life as you provide entirely for your retirement plan and healthcare.        As for the good looking female sales representatives question.   Well that is a question we can’t really answer online.   But we can promise you a Kate Upton poster for your closet.        One benefit I forgot to mention is our great hand-me-down system.  We have subscriptions to all of the best dirty magazines and share these with our employees.  Depending on your position in the company you may gain access to these magazines starting at 3 months delayed up to only two weeks delayed as you raise higher in the company.   Believe me, there is a big difference between the magazine after two weeks and the three month marker.  Believe me …       Opportunities for advancement are unlimited.  You have the ability at any time to refer and hire employees to work under you and you will gain a percentage of each of their revenue.  Additionally if they refer further employees you will get percentages of that as well.  You could start as a nobody and in six months have a team of hundreds working beneath you!    At a certain point we may even upgrade you from a closet to a cubicle!  Imagine having light!       Sincerely, DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

(Attached is a picture of a Cat working at a desk)

Response — (A Cat saying Thank you)

Me:  Wow!   This sounds like an unbelievable opportunity!  With the employees working under me … … Do I have to pay them?  Or perhaps they could be unpaid interns … …     I am beginning to feel super high motivation, the thought of having the opportunity to be working in a cubicle with LIGHT is possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

 

End of interaction.  Believe it or not, I did not take the job at DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT (February 25th)