Dream Story continued October 17th 2017

The fog dissipated.   The man known as Bob opened his eyes.  He was laying down but he did not know what room he lay in.   The ceiling was dark.  He lifted his head and he noticed he was butt naked.

He arose out of the coffin that he was laying in.  He looked around the room to see monitoring equipment with numbers and lines on it.  In large red lights he could see on one of the screens “zero one seven” in big letters.

“What the fuck is this shit?”  Bob spoke out.

He heard footsteps.  He noticed there was a cracked door leading out of the strange room he was in.   Bob crouched down behind the coffin and he noticed a shadow pass the door.

He looked around the room and there were no clothes for him to wear.

“I guess I am roughing it.”

He creeped towards the door slowly.  He slid the door open ever so slowly and peered around.  The coast was clear.   As Bob looked around, it seemed that he was in some kind of old hotel and the hallway looked like any other hallway.  He began walking.

Bob noticed a stairway at the end of the hallway.  He slowly moved towards it.

At the end of the hallway one of the doors opened and lifeform exited the door.  It was a 4 foot tall gray creature.  The creature looked like a little person but it was totally gray and hairless.  The little creature turned and looked at Bob.  Bob peered into the large pitch black eyes of the creature.

The little creature jumped back startled.  It spoke in a small voice “Zero One Seven!”

The little creature hurried towards a nearby wall.  “It woke up!  It woke up!  This is not good!”   The black eyed creature slammed it’s little hands on the wall 5 times quickly.

Other little black creatures teleported in front of Bob, a mere five feet away.  They wore body armor and were holding what looked like little remote controls.

The leader of the pack spoke with the same kind of little voice, “Zero One Seven, this is the end of the line for you.  Your existence is no more.  Goodbye!”   The little creatures moved their fingers onto their remote controls.

Bob (Zero One Seven) collapsed onto the ground.  He was dead.

 

END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

The Man in the Clouds (A story with Aliens and a Man) Biscuit Tale

As he journeyed he traveled up and up

he moved up and up into the Heavens

but he did not get as far as he hoped

his ship fell

it crashed

but he lived

the planet was breathable

he met a friendly creature and the creature stood on two legs just as he

the creature took him in and became his friend

he met friends of the creature and the friends were kind as well

BUT the creature and his friends warned him to not go across the line

“The other side is not safe.”

they said.  he was warned to not go out and meet the others who lived across the line

the others were monsters who spewed venom

but the man was not always wise and of course wanted to see for himself … …

The Weight Loss Man (Guest Contribution)

I want to thank “DJ ROBO BRISKET or Whatever” for this Contribution to the blog page.  It is an interesting story and I hope my fans will find it to be entertaining.

(BEGIN STORY)

Don was the epitome of a man who was destined to be a professional eater but never put in the effort to get past the amateur stage. In fact, back in high school, Don was nominated by his friends to be “Most likely to be a top competitive eater” after witnessing him devour two whole pizzas and he still had room to finish off a bucket of fried chicken. That is just one highlight out of countless other feats of eating. Don never thought much about it. When Don was hungry he would eat.

Don worked at an accounting firm. It was an okay job. Don might go as far as saying it was a good job. The salary was competitive and he enjoyed his co-workers. The cube-farm lifestyle really appealed to Don since it gave him plenty of time to procrastinate during the day while chatting with co-workers.

One day at the accounting firm, there was a fitness ‘competition’ to raise awareness. Awareness of what, Don was not certain, but he played along anyway. Don had never considered himself to be an athlete, but he reckoned he could be competitive in most workplace competitions, except in running. Craig from two cubes over was known for running ultra-marathons.

Don was quickly proven incorrect.

During the push-up competition, Don was unable to complete a single push-up. During the jumping jack competition (which Don, as well as many others, were surprised is a thing), Don was quickly disqualified after his heavy bounces resulted in a smashed monitor from rattling off the desk. There were a few other events at which Don continued the trend of the first two events.

Don was rather disheartened after realizing he came in absolute last place. Of course, they didn’t announce the last place loser, they only announced the top three winners. But Don did the math, he was an accountant after all.

Coming in last place had upset Don, but there was a moment during the competition that made him realize it was time for a change. During the jumping jacks he noticed there were parts of his body that were jiggling while jumping that should not be jiggling on a man. Don determined to do something about his weight.
People made many assumptions about Don, but nobody ever assumed that he was dumb. In fact, he wasn’t dumb. Don was quite intelligent. Don was the type of person who researches everything, and as a result is good at researching things. Weight loss was no exception.

On Don’s fancy smartphone was an app for tracking his food intake. This app was called MyFoodDude. Along with tracking food intake, it would tell one how much they should be consuming. After reading countless reviews (significantly more than a normal person would’ve read through), Don had determined that MyFoodDude was the absolute best app for the job.

For two weeks, Don was extremely precise about all of his intake. He had temporarily given up all of his favorite foods, and instead had to carefully weigh all of his new and bland foods before eating. After those two weeks, Don had lost about five pounds. He was happy to see the results, but the accountant in him instantly extrapolated and saw how long he would have to be eating carefully.

Don had noticed it was obnoxiously easy to make a mistake when converting units within the app. When one switched from grams to lbs it would keep the value from the grams. If one wasn’t careful, they could easily add 200 lbs of a food when they had meant 200 grams. Don was always watching out for this since he wanted to be precise in his tracking.

After those two weeks, Don decided to celebrate with a day of no tracking foods and instead eating some pizza. It was Don’s favorite food after all, and he had lost five pounds, so it was justified to him.

Remarkably, when Don weighed himself the next morning he had not gained any weight. In fact, he had continued his weight loss trend and he was absolutely starving. Chicken and quinoa have their place, but when Don felt as though he was about to expire from starvation, there was always available loving embrace of fast food only minutes away. Don hopped in his car and sped to the nearest golden arches.

Don couldn’t decide if he wanted one BigMac or two, so he opted for three. It made sense to Don at the time, as he was indeed very hungry.

The next couple of days went by similarly. Don was getting alarmed at his rapid weight-loss and thought it might be something medical. Before jumping to conclusions, Don decided to use that app, MyFoodDude to make sure that he was eating enough. When Don first opened the app, it showed him a streak of missed days. Somewhere in the back of Don’s mind, he noticed that those missed days corresponded with his days of starvation. The thought never reached the conscious portion of Don’s mind, and disappeared into nothingness.

After tracking a full day of eating, Don felt content and healthy. Don was no longer fearing death by starvation. Perhaps he had not been eating enough the past few days, Don had theorized. The next few days involved lots of weighing and measuring of foods and liquids to ensure that another similar accident didn’t occur.

One day, Don had cooked 300 grams of shrimp. Shrimp is low in calories and high in protein, so it was a good, albeit expensive entree. While tracking this, Don forgot to switch from pounds to grams. As the save button was inattentively pressed, Don instantly died.

A few weeks and many similar obituary entries later, MyFoodDude was updated. In the patch notes was “Fixed erratic behavior.”

(END OF STORY)

 

The Amateur Diaries Revisited

I wanted to knock that smirk off of his face.  His ugly face.  His face had the look of blissful ignorance.  What a fool!  He barely knew how to hit topspin!

Josh was playing once again in an epic battle against Patrick.  They were truly playing an epic match on the public courts of their city.  The other two courts were empty and there were some kids playing TeeBall two hundred yards east.

The two men walked to change sides.

“Well, my talent is on display yet again!”  Josh boasted.

“Yeah, Yeah.”  Said Patrick.

“Hey man.  It’s going to be tough to beat me.  I am really on fire today if I do say so myself.”  Josh swallowed some water and walked to his side of the court.

I will beat you.  This victory shall be mine.  I just need to run your chubby body!

Patrick could feel his determination rising.

Josh served the ball.  Patrick hit his return into the net.  FUDGE!

“Let’s go me!”  Josh yelled and fist pumped.

Ugh!  Bad sportsmanship.

There was a woman jogging who was well-endowed.  There was a noticeable “bounce” to her run.  Her ponytailed hair bounced side-to-side as she moved with her heavenly stride.

Oh no!

Patrick creamed his pants.  His inner thigh and crotch area became sticky and uncomfortable.

“I don’t know why but I can sense that my victory is assured!”  Yelled out Josh across the net.  He had not seen the jogging woman.

(END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

 

Don’t Derive And Drive (Calculus Rap)

A shout out to The Scholar and Young Boi Sam for this Calculus Rap!  Don’t Derive and Drive!!!  If you need inspiration to perform the wonderful math known as Calculus then look no further!

 

 

This rap was inspired by living and existing at Raleigh Charter High School in Raleigh, North Carolina.

 

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

The Story Continues (The Forever solider)

I stood on the grassy bank looking out upon the city.  Cairo.  The capital of Egypt.

There I stood.  I looked upon the city.  It was well-fortified.   I wondered if the leader had a plan up his sleeve.

“Hello.” Said a fellow soldier.

“Hello Russ.” I said to him.

He walked up and stood next to me as we looked upon the city.  Russ was a good man.  He was a skilled archer.

“Looks like we will be attacking Cairo today.”  Said Russ.

“Is that so?”  I asked.

“That’s what people think that Leader will order.”  Russ said.

More men arrived.  There were some men on horseback.  There were some men with spears and there were a few men with only axes.

I thought to myself, “We have many men but not enough to win this fight.”

 

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT, April 21)

The Forever Solider Continued

“How old are you?”

“I don’t know how old I am.”

“But How long have you been alive?”

“I don’t know my age but I have lived a long time.”

“You don’t look a day older than thirty.”

“I can’t remember the last time that I looked older.”

“So are you saying you are immortal?”

“I don’t think so.  I have been wounded in battle.  But when I was wounded in battle I would find a medic and they would heal me.”

“That is so odd.  Have you always been a solider?”

“As long as I can remember I have been a soldier.  I have been in many battles.”

“Like what?”

“I helped our Leader destroy the Egyptians.”

“Oh wow.”

“Yes.  They were not that advanced.  Our technology was ahead of theirs and we were able to defeat them.  But we did lose men in battle.”

“Do you always follow orders?”

“Of course I do.  I am a solider.”

“But what if you did not?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if you did not follow your orders?”

“The thought has never occurred to me.  The orders have always been followed.”

“You never put any thought into if you wanted to be a solider or not?”

“I am a solider.  Have you always been a civilian?”

 

(END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)  Monday April 17, 2017