Noodle Tale (March 9)

“Who will offer the sacrifice?”

A man stepped forward.  “I will.”  He lifted his arms and offered his baby.

“Your heir.  A bold choice.” The leader intoned.

“I do it for the good of our people.” Said the Father.

“You are wise beyond your years man-who-offers-sacrifice.”

The father continued to hold the baby offered to the leader.

The leader looked to his people.

“It has been many moons since our last sacrifice.  Our Noodle Master has been upset.  As we have seen, he used his Noodle powers to drown Alexandra in the lake.  He also used his Noodle powers to drive elder Joe insane.  Why else would elder Joe go into that forest and confront the great black bear?  With this sacrifice, we shall appease the bloodlust of our Noodle Master.  This blood sacrifice will keep us safe for the next Moons to come.  NOODLE MASTER!  ACCEPT THIS OFFERING!”

The leader reached and grabbed the baby.  He grabbed the baby by the head and slammed the small creature into the stone floor with his full might.  The baby was dead upon contact.

A single tear flowed the father’s face.

The leader looked at the brave father.  “Your sacrifice is not in vain.  The Holy Noodle is a fair God indeed.”

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

Noodle World – The Panel

The supporter was a middle aged woman and she was from the middle part of the nation.  “Those comments did not bother me.  I have heard men say things that are much worse.”

The nice lady on television responded:  “Mr Krump did say that he liked to snatch women in the vagina.”

The supporter was getting a little perturbed:  “That is nothing!  Men say things that are worse than that all the time!  Also, I am confident that he would have not said that if he knew he was being recorded and the recording would be released to the nation!”

The nice lady on television continues to listen.

The supporter continues:  “Look that is not the real issue.  In the debate they laid out their positions.  They reached down and drew a line in the sand.  We now know that Krump cares about our security and making the nation great again.  We know that Jillary Banton likes to cut up fetus’s.  Oh yes!”

The nice television lady could not take it.  “Okay Tina.  We are not talking about policies we need to talk about is it appropriate for a leader to speak this way.”

The supporter resumed her words:  “It was a mistake.  It was a mistake.  But that was in the past and we can move on from that.  Look Look Look.  This is part of the Holy Noodle’s plan.  It’s part of the plan.  The Noodle has chosen this man and we can use this man.  Don’t you see?”

The dark skinned man on the panel voiced his opinion:  “This is not about religion.  This is about our future leader.  And it is not right for him to be saying things like this.”

The supporter was angered:  “When Mr Banton was doing his thing, my kids that it was called the anal office!  I can’t see why you can’t see this is part of the Noodle’s plan!  Clearly Krump has been touched by the Noodle and he will lead us!  You must be in one of those cults!  The one with that bearded man and the cross!  You people make me sick!”

The nice television lady cut in:  “We have run out of time.  Lets cut to commercial!”

The screen goes black.

 

-End of Entry, December 22nd.  Based on a true story.

The Story of Noodle World (Compilation)

Entry #1

The young couple entered the place of worship. They saw high ceilings and wooden pews. There were old people walking around slowly. As John Every looked up at the glass paned windows his brow crumpled slightly. On the glass panes was a beautiful design which had dated back for centuries: The Flying Spaghetti Monster. There it was in all of its magnificence. The Noodles. The Meatballs. The Eyes.

The elderly entered the ancient wooden doors. There was a tiny bowl of marinara sauce next to the door. The old women reached down two fingers, dipped them into the marinara sauce, and began her homage. She made it look as her two fingers were stirring a pot of spaghetti and then placed the marinara sauce into her mouth. She then looked up to the Carbohydrate Monster on the window: “R’amen,” she spoke in a soft voice.

John Every and his girlfriend walked through the old cathedral. They walked over to a piece of art that the elderly were crowding around. There was an art structure on display. There were pirate statues. There were Sun-beings. There were normal folk. All of whom, were being touched, by His Noodle Appendage. The elderly looked upon the tribute with respect.

The young couple walked into the cemetery next to the cathedral. Each grave plot had a Death-rock with a small design of The Flying Spaghetti Monster on it. Usually the Death-rocks had words on them. “She was a kind woman.” “This man lived a life.” “This man and his mistresses met a swift death.” “She was TRULY touched by His Noodle.” There was a grieving family placing a small bowl of plain pasta next to one of the Death-rocks.

“Touching,” said Virginia-Mary (John Every’s girlfriend).

“You know, sometimes I get the feeling that things shouldn’t be this way. Shouldn’t there be a nicer way of saying it than ‘Death-rock?’ And shouldn’t there be a higher moral to live up to than this pasta monster?” John whispered to Virginia-Mary.

“Don’t be so offensive John. This is a cemetery.” Virginia-Mary chided John.

— End of Entry One, DJ RoboBiscuit

Noodle World Entry #2

Pastafarians celebrate every Friday as a Holy Day.

John enjoyed his Thursday. The day was pleasant. John had some delicious Hibachi shrimp at lunch time and he devoured a succulent lamb kebab at dinner. Thursday was not a perfect day. While eating his Hibachi Shrimp at Speedy Japan (the quick japanese food in the strip mall) he was uncomfortable with the wall decor. There was a poster on the wall of a stout Asian man fishing in a small river with bamboo surrounding him (which John expected from a Japanese restaurant). However, next to the eastern influenced poster, there was a representation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Pasta Deity had one of his noodles around a samurai sword and at the bottom of the poster it read “HE is with Japan.”

John thought to himself, “This seems offensive to me. Shouldn’t the people of Japan have some kind of native beliefs?”

After a night of sleeping the day had become Friday. Many people were wearing their colanders. John usually did not wear a pasta strainer on his head. He personally thought it was “a little odd.”

He was having a hard time deciding on his Friday Lunch. As John drove down the road he thought, “Maybe a chicken sandwich.” He happened to be driving on BlackBeard Road which John remembered had a Chicken Phils. He became excited as he got closer, imagining the delicious taste of that savory chicken sandwich in his mouth (maybe even with a Phd Pepper [a sweet soft drink]).

As his car came upon the Chicken Restaurant, his heart dropped upon seeing the store lights were not on. “Damn! It’s Friday. Why would a fast casual restaurant see a need to close every Friday?! Don’t they know I want to eat their chicken?!” John was not happy.

As he drove to BeauJanes (another chicken restaurant) John thought questioning thoughts over the influence that religion should have over business … …

-End of Entry Number 2, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit.

Noodle World Entry #3

(Slam Dunk, Basketball)

“Oh yeah! Big Dunk from B.J Besley!” The commentator was excited.

Besley, a tall african american male, made a circular motion with his index and middle finger.

“Besley! Stirring the pot!”

“Cooking up some pasta!” The commentators maintained their excitement.

Besley made some motions with his hands as if to open up an imaginary can …

“Oh My Noodle! Besley is opening a can of sauce!”

“Right you are Jim! Could be Marinara! He is adding the sauce into the noodles!”

“And he is stirring it up!”

“Showing some good respect to the church.”

B.J Besley reaches into his jersey and pulls out his chain, then he kisses it. On the end of the chain is a small, golden Noodle Monster.

“He’s a religious man alright! Without a doubt Besley is an individual who has indeed been touched by His Noodle.”

“So talented. The power of carbs definitely flows through his veins!”

“R’amen Jim. R’amen.”

John Every was watching the basketball game on his home television. He shook his head.

— End of Entry #3, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit

Entry #4

I just don’t know man, I am having doubts… …

It seems hard to believe that this Noodle Monster is the creator!!! I just don’t feel that there is a connection between Pirates and Global warming. How do people know that it isn’t just a normally occurring phenomena?

Nobody feels weird about this? They don’t think that it’s odd for us to worship a Noodle Monster???

Wouldn’t it make more sense for our Diety to be … I don’t know … a man?

“Woah man, you are sounding kind of crazy.”

Wouldn’t a powerful god create man in his image? Why would a Gigantic Spaghetti Monster create human beings?

I know it’s the popular religion …. … but but but maybe there is an alternative?

I may consider seeking out a cult.

“Woah my man, I am a little bit worried about you.”

-End of Entry. (Doubt)

Entry #5

White male. Brown Beard. Brown hair. He wore a white robe. Sandals. His face was calm.

The hairy white male scanned the smooth lake surface. He slowly closed his eyes … … held them closed for 5 seconds and then opened them. He placed his right foot forward.

On the other side of the lake, their was a pirate. He was a smelly pirate and he had a beard. This pirate wore black boots and looked like a smelly pirate. This pirate enjoyed drinking Rum. His name was Smelly Alfredo.

Smelly Alfredo looked out towards the lake. There was a man. Smelly Alfredo saw this man.

“Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr unbelievable. He be walking on the water.” Alfredo slurred his words.

The robed man with a beard was standing in the middle of the lake. His feet were firmly on the top of the lake surface. It appeared to be a miracle.

Smelly Alfredo reached into his Pirate Satchel (the official carrying sack of Pirate) and grabbed his Colander (Pasta Strainer). He placed the pasta device on his head. The colander infused him with Noodle Strength. As Smelly Alfredo looked out onto the Lake he could see that the white-bearded-man was being held above the water by a large Noodle. The Noodle was wrapped around his waist and the Noodley Noodle stretched up into the clouds.

“This man has been blessed by His Noodle.” Smelly Alfredo removed his colander and went back to sleep to dream Pirate dreams. “R’amen.”

-End of Entry, (Blasphemy).

Entry #6

The scholar sat in his chair. He was old and his eyes were deep. They were the eyes of knowledge and these eyes were a piercing green.

“There was a time when this world was not this way. People did not flock to the temples of Hubbard. His Noodle was not The Noodle. The happenings have been bizarre.”

“What do you mean?”

“Things were different. The Gods were different and the numbers were bigger. If you wanted to follow Jesus you didn’t have to do it in secret. But things changed within this world. Something happened.”

“But what is it? What happened?”

“It was the people. And the Young People. They rejected the religions. They thought they had outsmarted it.”

-End of Entry

Entry #7

John Every entered the basement. It was noisy. People were talking.

There was a man in the front of the room prepping for his presentation. He was wearing a robe and a fancy hat.

As John looked around the room he noticed a curiosity in the eyes of the people. He could see they were hungry for something and they seemed to have a fervent social desire. He sensed their desire for connection. It was in their eyes. Their eyes. They wanted … something.

John had a seat. He noticed there was a lower case letter “T” on the wall.

The robed man faced the crowd and began his talk.

“I thank you all for coming. We know why we are here in this place. This world is lacking faith … ”

The man in the robes began his talk.

“I say Hallelujah! I say Hallelujah!”

“You people, you need something! Something real! Something that is strong that you can feel!”

John Every looked around the room. He saw twinkles in the eyes of the gathered people.

“People are not happy! We are living in a Devil’s World! I feel sorry for the sinners out there! And I have compassion for the sinners in here! For we all have some sin!”

“The people of this world, they have betrayed the Lord! I’m talking about the almighty GOD! I’m talking about Jesus Christ!”

“How could they give up on our Lord and Savior? How could they accept a Monster made of Noodles?”

“It goes back to Nietzsche. We know the tale of the Madman. ‘God is dead. And we have killed him.’ That is what it was. It was Man. It was our Minds!”

“The people of this world. They thought they could outTHINK God! They thought they could use Logic and Reason to prove him not there. But let me tell you something, He is Real! I Believe! I can FEEL him! God is all-knowing and all-seeing! They thought they could hide from him and join forces with a Pasta Monster BUT I SAY NO!”

The people were cheering.

“You are on the path to salvation! You are on the true path!”

“And we will NOT engage in pre-marital sex! It is frowned upon by The Lord!”

John Every was enjoying the spirituality of this Christianity. But he felt uneasy about letting his belief have control over his sex life.

-End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

That is the tale so far.  The story of Noodle World will continue.   If you enjoyed the story, please share it.

 

Understanding Pastafarianism

It is a satirical religion.

Founded by Bobby Henderson in order to battle against Creationism and the School Board who was trying to have Creationism taught in the school systems.

I DEMAND EQUAL CLASS TIME!!!!!   If you will teach about your God then I demand time be spent on my GOD, even if it is a Gigantic Flying Spaghetti Monster!

It grew from there.   People gravitate to it as a clever way to battle against Creationism and as a tool for argument.     The burden of proof is for YOU to prove WHY my God does NOT EXIST.

It is similar to the “Russian TeaPot.”   Also similar to the “Invisible Pink Unicorn.”

Also, if you are a Pastafarian then you can wear a Pasta Strainer on your head for your Driver’s License photo as a Religious HeadDress.

Instead of being an Atheist, you can choose to be a Pastafarian.

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Noodle World — Entry Feb 7.

White male.  Brown Beard.  Brown hair.  He wore a white robe. Sandals.  His face was calm.

The hairy white male scanned the smooth lake surface.   He slowly closed his eyes … … held them closed for 5 seconds and then opened them.    He placed his right foot forward.

 

On the other side of the lake, their was a pirate.   He was a smelly pirate and he had a beard.   This pirate wore black boots and looked like a smelly pirate.   This pirate enjoyed drinking Rum.  His name was Smelly Alfredo.

Smelly Alfredo looked out towards the lake.    There was a man.    Smelly Alfredo saw this man.

“Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr unbelievable.   He be walking on the water.”   Alfredo slurred his words.

The robed man with a beard was standing in the middle of the lake.  His feet were firmly on the top of the lake surface.   It appeared to be a miracle.

Smelly Alfredo reached into his Pirate Satchel (the official carrying sack of Pirate) and grabbed his Colander (Pasta Strainer).  He placed the pasta device on his head.   The colander infused him with Noodle Strength.    As Smelly Alfredo looked out onto the Lake he could see that the white-bearded-man was being held above the water by a large Noodle.   The Noodle was wrapped around his waist and the Noodley Noodle stretched up into the clouds.

“This man has been blessed by His Noodle.”  Smelly Alfredo removed his colander and went back to sleep to dream Pirate dreams.  “R’amen.”

-End of Entry, (Blasphemy).