World’s Greatest Job Offer (Feb 25th)

 

Recruiter:  Mr RoboBiscuit, it seems like you are a really awesome guy.  You appear to be energetic and charismatic.  You appear to be just the man we are looking for.   We have an open position and think you are the man for the job.    It will involve lots of cold sales calls.  The pay is bad, you will be working in a closet (no lighting), and the hours are intense.  But I think there is good potential for you here.

(Posted a Sticker of a cup of coffee eating a Muffin)

Me:  Sir,  It is truly an honor to receive such an offer.  I am excited!  I am equipped for cold calling!  Bad Base pay is okay as long as I can earn commission!  The closet is totally fine as long as there is a computer screen and chances to leave the closet!   Let me know how I can move forward in the hiring process!

Recruiter:   Mr RoboBiscuit,  It is great to hear back from you so soon!  Well the good news for you is that you will earn excellent commission!  The other upside is that there is no base pay (upside for me).  As for the closet situation, well I’ll leave that open for negotiation.  I’m glad to hear that you want to move forward in the hiring process.  For the first step we are going to need to receive your resume and a 20″ head shot.   After reviewing these pieces we will meet with you at a gentleman’s club where you will pay for a night that we will all remember.   Depending on the success of that night we will determine what the outcome going forward will be.    I look forward to hearing back from you.       Sincerely,   DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

(Attached is Elaine from Seinfeld giggling a pencil around)

Me:  WOW!  This job opportunity is becoming better and better by the minute!  This is indeed a very exciting opportunity for me!  I just have a couple more questions about this phenomenal opportunity … … … Does the position provide any more benefits?  Perhaps a 401k Matching plan?  Does DARC Corp have any good looking female sales representatives?  Are there opportunities for advancement within the organization?     Thanks for your consideration on this matter.  -DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Recruiter:  Mr RoboBiscuit,   I am glad to hear that you are interested in this opportunity.  You bring up some good points.  DARC Corp holds the belief that benefits are very important.  So we provide all of our employees with the biggest benefit of all: Employment.  As for other sorts of benefits, we believe that we should let you help yourself.  You will feel so much more accomplished in life as you provide entirely for your retirement plan and healthcare.        As for the good looking female sales representatives question.   Well that is a question we can’t really answer online.   But we can promise you a Kate Upton poster for your closet.        One benefit I forgot to mention is our great hand-me-down system.  We have subscriptions to all of the best dirty magazines and share these with our employees.  Depending on your position in the company you may gain access to these magazines starting at 3 months delayed up to only two weeks delayed as you raise higher in the company.   Believe me, there is a big difference between the magazine after two weeks and the three month marker.  Believe me …       Opportunities for advancement are unlimited.  You have the ability at any time to refer and hire employees to work under you and you will gain a percentage of each of their revenue.  Additionally if they refer further employees you will get percentages of that as well.  You could start as a nobody and in six months have a team of hundreds working beneath you!    At a certain point we may even upgrade you from a closet to a cubicle!  Imagine having light!       Sincerely, DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

(Attached is a picture of a Cat working at a desk)

Response — (A Cat saying Thank you)

Me:  Wow!   This sounds like an unbelievable opportunity!  With the employees working under me … … Do I have to pay them?  Or perhaps they could be unpaid interns … …     I am beginning to feel super high motivation, the thought of having the opportunity to be working in a cubicle with LIGHT is possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

 

End of interaction.  Believe it or not, I did not take the job at DefinitelyARealCorp Corp.

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT (February 25th)

 

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Understanding Pastafarianism

It is a satirical religion.

Founded by Bobby Henderson in order to battle against Creationism and the School Board who was trying to have Creationism taught in the school systems.

I DEMAND EQUAL CLASS TIME!!!!!   If you will teach about your God then I demand time be spent on my GOD, even if it is a Gigantic Flying Spaghetti Monster!

It grew from there.   People gravitate to it as a clever way to battle against Creationism and as a tool for argument.     The burden of proof is for YOU to prove WHY my God does NOT EXIST.

It is similar to the “Russian TeaPot.”   Also similar to the “Invisible Pink Unicorn.”

Also, if you are a Pastafarian then you can wear a Pasta Strainer on your head for your Driver’s License photo as a Religious HeadDress.

Instead of being an Atheist, you can choose to be a Pastafarian.

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Noodle World — Entry Feb 7.

White male.  Brown Beard.  Brown hair.  He wore a white robe. Sandals.  His face was calm.

The hairy white male scanned the smooth lake surface.   He slowly closed his eyes … … held them closed for 5 seconds and then opened them.    He placed his right foot forward.

 

On the other side of the lake, their was a pirate.   He was a smelly pirate and he had a beard.   This pirate wore black boots and looked like a smelly pirate.   This pirate enjoyed drinking Rum.  His name was Smelly Alfredo.

Smelly Alfredo looked out towards the lake.    There was a man.    Smelly Alfredo saw this man.

“Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr unbelievable.   He be walking on the water.”   Alfredo slurred his words.

The robed man with a beard was standing in the middle of the lake.  His feet were firmly on the top of the lake surface.   It appeared to be a miracle.

Smelly Alfredo reached into his Pirate Satchel (the official carrying sack of Pirate) and grabbed his Colander (Pasta Strainer).  He placed the pasta device on his head.   The colander infused him with Noodle Strength.    As Smelly Alfredo looked out onto the Lake he could see that the white-bearded-man was being held above the water by a large Noodle.   The Noodle was wrapped around his waist and the Noodley Noodle stretched up into the clouds.

“This man has been blessed by His Noodle.”  Smelly Alfredo removed his colander and went back to sleep to dream Pirate dreams.  “R’amen.”

-End of Entry, (Blasphemy).

Noodle World — New Entry (Feb 5)

I just don’t know man, I am having doubts… …

It seems hard to believe that this Noodle Monster is the creator!!!     I just don’t feel that there is a connection between Pirates and Global warming.     How do people know that it isn’t just a normally occurring phenomena?

Nobody feels weird about this?     They don’t think that it’s odd for us to worship a Noodle Monster???

Wouldn’t it make more sense for our Diety to be … I don’t know … a man?

“Woah man, you are sounding kind of crazy.”

Wouldn’t a powerful god create man in his image?  Why would a Gigantic Spaghetti Monster create human beings?

I know it’s the popular religion …. … but but but maybe there is an alternative?

I may consider seeking out a cult.

“Woah my man, I am a little bit worried about you.”

-End of Entry. (Doubt)

Noodle World — Entry #3

(Slam Dunk, Basketball)

“Oh yeah!  Big Dunk from B.J Besley!”  The commentator was excited.

Besley, a tall african american male, made a circular motion with his index and middle finger.

“Besley!  Stirring the pot!”

“Cooking up some pasta!”  The commentators maintained their excitement.

Besley made some motions with his hands as if to open up an imaginary can …

“Oh My Noodle!  Besley is opening a can of sauce!”

“Right you are Jim!  Could be Marinara!  He is adding the sauce into the noodles!”

“And he is stirring it up!”

“Showing some good respect to the church.”

B.J Besley reaches into his jersey and pulls out his chain, then he kisses it.  On the end of the chain is a small, golden Noodle Monster.

“He’s a religious man alright!  Without a doubt Besley is an individual who has indeed been touched by His Noodle.”

“So talented.  The power of carbs definitely flows through his veins!”

“R’amen Jim.  R’amen.”

John Every was watching the basketball game on his home television.  He shook his head.

— End of Entry #3, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit

Noodle World – Entry #2

Pastafarians celebrate every Friday as a Holy Day.

John enjoyed his Thursday.  The day was pleasant.  John had some delicious Hibachi shrimp at lunch time and he devoured a succulent lamb kebab at dinner.  Thursday was not a perfect day.  While eating his Hibachi Shrimp at Speedy Japan (the quick japanese food in the strip mall) he was uncomfortable with the wall decor.   There was a poster on the wall of a stout Asian man fishing in a small river with bamboo surrounding him  (which John expected from a Japanese restaurant).  However, next to the eastern influenced poster, there was a representation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  The Pasta Deity had one of his noodles around a samurai sword and at the bottom of the poster it read “HE is with Japan.”

John thought to himself, “This seems offensive to me.  Shouldn’t the people of Japan have some kind of native beliefs?”

After a night of sleeping the day had become Friday.  Many people were wearing their colanders.  John usually did not wear a pasta strainer on his head.  He personally thought it was “a little odd.”

He was having a hard time deciding on his Friday Lunch.  As John drove down the road he thought, “Maybe a chicken sandwich.”   He happened to be driving on BlackBeard Road which John remembered had a Chicken Phils.    He became excited as he got closer, imagining the delicious taste of that savory chicken sandwich in his mouth (maybe even with a Phd Pepper [a sweet soft drink]).

As his car came upon the Chicken Restaurant, his heart dropped upon seeing the store lights were not on.  “Damn!  It’s Friday.  Why would a fast casual restaurant see a need to close every Friday?!  Don’t they know I want to eat their chicken?!”  John was not happy.

As he drove to BeauJanes (another chicken restaurant) John thought questioning thoughts  over the influence that religion should have over business … …

End of Entry Number 2, Noodle World, DJ Robo Biscuit.

Noodle World — Entry #1

(The First Entry, Noodle World)

The young couple entered the place of worship.  They saw high ceilings and wooden pews.  There were old people walking around slowly.  As John Every looked up at the glass paned windows his brow crumpled slightly.  On the glass panes was a beautiful design which had dated back for centuries:  The Flying Spaghetti Monster.   There it was in all of its magnificence.  The Noodles.  The Meatballs.  The Eyes.

The elderly entered the ancient wooden doors.  There was a tiny bowl of marinara sauce next to the door.  The old women reached down two fingers, dipped them into the marinara sauce, and began her homage.  She made it look as her two fingers were stirring a pot of spaghetti and then placed the marinara sauce into her mouth.  She then looked up to the Carbohydrate Monster on the window: “R’amen,” she spoke in a soft voice.

John Every and his girlfriend walked through the old cathedral.  They walked over to a piece of art that the elderly were crowding around.  There was an art structure on display. There were pirate statues.  There were Sun-beings.  There were normal folk.  All of whom, were being touched, by His Noodle Appendage.  The elderly looked upon the tribute with respect.

The young couple walked into the cemetery next to the cathedral.  Each grave plot had a Death-rock with a small design of The Flying Spaghetti Monster on it.  Usually the Death-rocks had words on them.  “She was a kind woman.”  “This man lived a life.” “This man and his mistresses met a swift death.” “She was TRULY touched by His Noodle.”  There was a grieving family placing a small bowl of plain pasta next to one of the Death-rocks.

“Touching,” said Virginia-Mary (John Every’s girlfriend).

“You know, sometimes I get the feeling that things shouldn’t be this way.  Shouldn’t there be a nicer way of saying it than ‘Death-rock?’ And shouldn’t there be a higher moral to live up to than this pasta monster?” John whispered to Virginia-Mary.

“Don’t be so offensive John.  This is a cemetery.” Virginia-Mary chided John.

— End of Entry One, DJ RoboBiscuit