The Man in the Clouds (A story with Aliens and a Man) Biscuit Tale

As he journeyed he traveled up and up

he moved up and up into the Heavens

but he did not get as far as he hoped

his ship fell

it crashed

but he lived

the planet was breathable

he met a friendly creature and the creature stood on two legs just as he

the creature took him in and became his friend

he met friends of the creature and the friends were kind as well

BUT the creature and his friends warned him to not go across the line

“The other side is not safe.”

they said.  he was warned to not go out and meet the others who lived across the line

the others were monsters who spewed venom

but the man was not always wise and of course wanted to see for himself … …

The Weight Loss Man (Guest Contribution)

I want to thank “DJ ROBO BRISKET or Whatever” for this Contribution to the blog page.  It is an interesting story and I hope my fans will find it to be entertaining.

(BEGIN STORY)

Don was the epitome of a man who was destined to be a professional eater but never put in the effort to get past the amateur stage. In fact, back in high school, Don was nominated by his friends to be “Most likely to be a top competitive eater” after witnessing him devour two whole pizzas and he still had room to finish off a bucket of fried chicken. That is just one highlight out of countless other feats of eating. Don never thought much about it. When Don was hungry he would eat.

Don worked at an accounting firm. It was an okay job. Don might go as far as saying it was a good job. The salary was competitive and he enjoyed his co-workers. The cube-farm lifestyle really appealed to Don since it gave him plenty of time to procrastinate during the day while chatting with co-workers.

One day at the accounting firm, there was a fitness ‘competition’ to raise awareness. Awareness of what, Don was not certain, but he played along anyway. Don had never considered himself to be an athlete, but he reckoned he could be competitive in most workplace competitions, except in running. Craig from two cubes over was known for running ultra-marathons.

Don was quickly proven incorrect.

During the push-up competition, Don was unable to complete a single push-up. During the jumping jack competition (which Don, as well as many others, were surprised is a thing), Don was quickly disqualified after his heavy bounces resulted in a smashed monitor from rattling off the desk. There were a few other events at which Don continued the trend of the first two events.

Don was rather disheartened after realizing he came in absolute last place. Of course, they didn’t announce the last place loser, they only announced the top three winners. But Don did the math, he was an accountant after all.

Coming in last place had upset Don, but there was a moment during the competition that made him realize it was time for a change. During the jumping jacks he noticed there were parts of his body that were jiggling while jumping that should not be jiggling on a man. Don determined to do something about his weight.
People made many assumptions about Don, but nobody ever assumed that he was dumb. In fact, he wasn’t dumb. Don was quite intelligent. Don was the type of person who researches everything, and as a result is good at researching things. Weight loss was no exception.

On Don’s fancy smartphone was an app for tracking his food intake. This app was called MyFoodDude. Along with tracking food intake, it would tell one how much they should be consuming. After reading countless reviews (significantly more than a normal person would’ve read through), Don had determined that MyFoodDude was the absolute best app for the job.

For two weeks, Don was extremely precise about all of his intake. He had temporarily given up all of his favorite foods, and instead had to carefully weigh all of his new and bland foods before eating. After those two weeks, Don had lost about five pounds. He was happy to see the results, but the accountant in him instantly extrapolated and saw how long he would have to be eating carefully.

Don had noticed it was obnoxiously easy to make a mistake when converting units within the app. When one switched from grams to lbs it would keep the value from the grams. If one wasn’t careful, they could easily add 200 lbs of a food when they had meant 200 grams. Don was always watching out for this since he wanted to be precise in his tracking.

After those two weeks, Don decided to celebrate with a day of no tracking foods and instead eating some pizza. It was Don’s favorite food after all, and he had lost five pounds, so it was justified to him.

Remarkably, when Don weighed himself the next morning he had not gained any weight. In fact, he had continued his weight loss trend and he was absolutely starving. Chicken and quinoa have their place, but when Don felt as though he was about to expire from starvation, there was always available loving embrace of fast food only minutes away. Don hopped in his car and sped to the nearest golden arches.

Don couldn’t decide if he wanted one BigMac or two, so he opted for three. It made sense to Don at the time, as he was indeed very hungry.

The next couple of days went by similarly. Don was getting alarmed at his rapid weight-loss and thought it might be something medical. Before jumping to conclusions, Don decided to use that app, MyFoodDude to make sure that he was eating enough. When Don first opened the app, it showed him a streak of missed days. Somewhere in the back of Don’s mind, he noticed that those missed days corresponded with his days of starvation. The thought never reached the conscious portion of Don’s mind, and disappeared into nothingness.

After tracking a full day of eating, Don felt content and healthy. Don was no longer fearing death by starvation. Perhaps he had not been eating enough the past few days, Don had theorized. The next few days involved lots of weighing and measuring of foods and liquids to ensure that another similar accident didn’t occur.

One day, Don had cooked 300 grams of shrimp. Shrimp is low in calories and high in protein, so it was a good, albeit expensive entree. While tracking this, Don forgot to switch from pounds to grams. As the save button was inattentively pressed, Don instantly died.

A few weeks and many similar obituary entries later, MyFoodDude was updated. In the patch notes was “Fixed erratic behavior.”

(END OF STORY)

 

Don’t Derive And Drive (Calculus Rap)

A shout out to The Scholar and Young Boi Sam for this Calculus Rap!  Don’t Derive and Drive!!!  If you need inspiration to perform the wonderful math known as Calculus then look no further!

 

 

This rap was inspired by living and existing at Raleigh Charter High School in Raleigh, North Carolina.

 

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

Noodle Tale (March 9)

“Who will offer the sacrifice?”

A man stepped forward.  “I will.”  He lifted his arms and offered his baby.

“Your heir.  A bold choice.” The leader intoned.

“I do it for the good of our people.” Said the Father.

“You are wise beyond your years man-who-offers-sacrifice.”

The father continued to hold the baby offered to the leader.

The leader looked to his people.

“It has been many moons since our last sacrifice.  Our Noodle Master has been upset.  As we have seen, he used his Noodle powers to drown Alexandra in the lake.  He also used his Noodle powers to drive elder Joe insane.  Why else would elder Joe go into that forest and confront the great black bear?  With this sacrifice, we shall appease the bloodlust of our Noodle Master.  This blood sacrifice will keep us safe for the next Moons to come.  NOODLE MASTER!  ACCEPT THIS OFFERING!”

The leader reached and grabbed the baby.  He grabbed the baby by the head and slammed the small creature into the stone floor with his full might.  The baby was dead upon contact.

A single tear flowed the father’s face.

The leader looked at the brave father.  “Your sacrifice is not in vain.  The Holy Noodle is a fair God indeed.”

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

The Leader and her Followers

PUNCH!

The woman slammed her fist into the man’s face.

“Don’t defend yourself you coward!”  The lady yelled out as she punched the man again in the face.

“I am going to punch the devil out of you.”

The man was bleeding from his nose and he fell to the floor.

The lady looked around.  You could see the bloodlust in her eyes.  Her holy eyes fell onto an unsuspecting baby.

She grabbed the baby and shook it violently.

“Devil!  Get out of this baby!”

The crowd of people looked on.  Their horror was hidden within their minds.  They were trapped.  Followers of their leader.  None of them wanted to have the Devil within them and they also wanted their own salvation.

The woman turned on a man who had a smile on his face.

“You!  You are thinking erotic thoughts!  The Devil is in you! Go to The Room!”

The man was frowning.  He walked away.

Going to The Room was a severe punishment.

-End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Noodle World Cereal Part 2

Jon Every found the box of cereal.

This cereal box did not have a Noodle Monster touching balls in milk.

It was a cereal box that had a picture of a man on it.  A man with a brown beard and brown hair.  His arms were spread wide and his face was calm.

“Interesting.” Said Jon Every.  “This box is so different from the other boxes.”

He thought it was so odd to see a human man making gestures with food.  He was so used to seeing only the Holy Noodle touch balls with His mighty appendages.

“The cult of Christianity must be gaining more followers than I thought.”  Said Jon.

A young boy ran up close and pointed at the cereal box with Jesus on it.  “Mom look!  There is a white man on this box!”

The mom moved quickly and grabbed her son.  “Don’t look at that vile thing Billy!  That white demon is a desecration to the Noodle that we hold sacred.”

The mom and young boy moved away.

Jon Every thought out loud, “This world is becoming stranger everyday.”

-End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

UnNamed Dave Part 5 – The Meeting

Dave entered the meeting room.

His teammates were there.  Dave was happy for a break from his work and staring at his screen.    His mind will enjoy a break in the meeting but he will still have to show discipline.

Dave is not excited to hear Max Power.  Max Power is a coked out douchebag sales trainer who the team has the pleasure of listening to on audiobook.  Mr Power has a bestselling book called the “The Big Action.”  He thinks the key to winning in sales is to relentlessly take Big Action and just attack everything with huge force.  Instead of making 20 phone calls, you should make 120 phone calls.  Instead of setting up 3 meetings, you should set up 30 meetings.  You get the idea.  The Sales Director with the typo emails is a big fan of Max Power.

“The Big Action” has about 13 chapters.  The book could have most likely been 2 or 3 chapters but there is a good amount of fluff and repeating of the same things.

Don’t be a loser man.  In this world you need to win win win.  When somebody tells me No I can feel that they want to say Yes and then I press hard!  This world has got winners and losers and you need to pick who you want to be.  I want to be a winner.  I’m winning all the time baby!  My editor told me I should not say this but I am going to anyway, Get off your fat ass and take The Big Action!  People will try to stop you but don’t let them.  You are being a loser!  The Big Action is what you need!  Is this your job or is this a career?  How will you feed your family?  You need that Big Action baby!  -Max Power

The above transcript is how much of the book is.  As Dave looks around the table it is hard for him to tell if his fellow workers are listening to Max Power or if they are simply daydreaming while staring at the table.

After they finish the chapter, their manager is ready to do some motivation.  The manager says, “Okay team I hope we are ready to do The Big Action!  It is important to me that we hit our numbers.  My goal is that everyday, we are on top of the number boards.  You each have 500 prospects so I don’t see why each of you can’t be on top of that number board.  When I was in your position, one time I was sad because I thought I may get fired and then that motivated me to work to keep my job!  So I want you guys to know, if you don’t work hard then the Sales Director may fire you.”

Dave was having an internal monologue: “What is this bullshit?  I think I need to start hunting for a new job where I am not being informed that I could be fired everyday.  This is not healthy.”

The manager continued on.  The manager was talking about the numbers and how to go about calling the prospects.

The manager looked at Dave.  “Dave do you know what you need?”

Dave:  What is that?

Manager:  Focus.

The Manager continued, “you need to have focus.  I can tell that when you are about to make a sale that you get mega focused on what you are about to sell.  But what you really need to do is focus on all of the prospects.  Once you can focus on one hundred at a time then you will be successful.”  The manager said this with emphasis as if there was a communication of deep meaning.  Clearly the manager did not see the conflict between the idea of focus and “shotgun-strategy” (or Wide-Net approach).

Dave thought: “Oh okay I get it.  Instead of Focusing on one or two things, I need to focus on one hundred things.  Wow!  Makes perfect sense.”

The Manager continued to talk for a little bit.  “Okay team let’s go make some calls!”

As Dave got up to walk out the door he was thinking to himself, “My job hunt begins tonight.”

 

END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT