Tale: Fruit Center Support

( Imagine a Call center)

A man picks up the phone.

Service Desk Man:  Good Morning!  Thank you for calling fruit center support!  This is Phillip.  How May I help you today?

Customer: Hey Phillip!  I am using my banana here and my friend is telling me I need to get this converted over to an apple.  Can you guys do that for me?

Service Desk Man:  I’m sorry ma’am.  I am afraid that is not a feature.  We are not able to convert your banana into an apple.

Customer: Well why not?!  I want it to do this!  This is time sensitive too.  It is really important that I get this banana turned into an apple as quickly as possible!

Service Desk Man:  Are you sure that your friend was not talking about apple slices or maybe apple sauce?

Customer: Yes!  I am 100% sure!  I need this banana converted into an apple!

Service Desk Man: I’m sorry ma’am. But it is not designed to do that.  We can’t convert the banana into an apple for you.

Customer: Okay! Well then I need to speak to your manager.

(The customer gets sent over to the manager and the customer complains)

Service Desk Manager:  We are so sorry for all of the trouble ma’am.  We are going to create an escalation request for your need to convert this banana to an apple.   Someone from our team will reach out to you with the next steps.

( 4 days pass by )

ring ring ring!

Service Desk Man:  Fruit center support!  This is Phillip!

Customer:  It has been 4 days and I have not heard from anybody!  I really need your team to get this banana turned into an apple.

(The Service Desk Man reads over the notes of the Escalation ticket on his screen)

Service Desk Man: I am very sorry ma’am but based on the notes here on your escalation ticket I only have bad news.  Our team has come to the conclusion that there is no way to convert your banana into an apple.  The only workaround is to purchase an apple.

Customer (yelling):  This is crazy!  What do I even pay you guys for?!?!    (customer slams the phone down)

( Customer then sends an angry email to their fruit sales rep and the fruit sales rep apologized profusely and waved the cost of their fruit.)

END OF STORY

 

(This story is based on true events)

Feel free to share with your friends, especially any of the ones who work in call centers!

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LIFE FIGHT (A story)

A story by DJ ROBO BISCUIT

The two office men meet each other by the water cooler.

“How is it going Bob?  You had a good night?”

“Hey Mike! Ya I sure did.  Pretty fun night. Yourself?”

“Real good.  Did you watch the fights last night?”

“Oh man!  They were crazy!  How about Jenkins?”

“That Jenkins guy is a tough S.O.B for sure!  Can’t believe he got past that other guy.”

“Oh yeah man.  That was definitely an upset for sure.  Do you think he will go all the way?”

“I don’t know mate.  The competition is pretty fierce.  Those men, they fight like animals.”

“Well they have a lot to fight for.”

“True that my friend!”

The two men separate and go back to their cubes.

 

Cage match.  The arena is is a cage match with cameras and microphones surrounding it.  The two men are on opposite sides of the cage.  They wear athletic shorts (no pockets) and nothing else.  Their hands are empty and their feet are bear.

Commentator: Alright folks We got a real nice match on our hands tonight! Omar Jenkins in the right corner.  He stands at 5 foot 10 inches tall weighing in at 180 pounds.  He killed a whole family while they slept.     In the left corner we have Andrew Rice.  He stands at 6 feet tall and 170 pounds.  Andrew strangled his boss at work and then beat him to death.

Other Commentator:  Hey man, we have all felt that way at one time or another!  And this Rice guy just had the nuts to follow through.  And here we are tonight!

Commentator:  Exactly right!  These two men are in the fight of their lives tonight!  Two men are entering the ring and only one will live.  This is Life Fight!

Ding ding ding!   (The fight starts)

Commentator:   There is the bell and the fight is on!  Both men throwing punches at each other.  I’m giving a slight edge to Jenkins, I bet he has the speed!

Other Commentator:  Bold prediction my friend.  Rice does have the height advantage in this one.

Commentator:   Boom! Jenkins delivering a strong combo to Rice’s face.  Oh and Wow!  Rice delivers a hard kick right into the groin of Jenkins.

Other Commentator:  Remember folks there are no rules so that kick was 100% legal.

Commentator:  Jenkins is the on the ground right now and it looks like Rice is moving in for the headlock.

DING DING DING!

Commentator:  Saved by the bell!  That first two minutes goes by so fast.   The two fighters head back to their corners while we get a word from our sponsors!

Other Commentator: These fights have definitely been getting more popular.  I heard we were getting a look from Doritos AND Nike as well.

Commentator:  I’ll believe that when I see it.    Folks we are about to move into round 2 here, so if you have any small children watching then we just want to say that viewer discretion is advised.

DING DING DING!

Commentator:  And we are back! Rice moving in, but Jenkins fending him off with a punch to the head!  He backs off and the two fighters are circling.   Oh it’s that time!  They are dropping in the weapons!   Looks like Jenkins and Rice both have grabbed short swords.

Other Commentator:  Those are extra sharp.

Commentator: Oh here we go!  Rice moving in fast with a slash.   And Jenkins parries! OH! N—

(Jenkins slices rice hard across the stomach; opening him up.  Rice has his eyes wide open as he looks down at his stomach.  Jenkins sweeps the leg, taking Rice to the ground. Rice grabs at his open stomach wound.  Jenkins brings his sword down quickly and stabs Rice through the heart).

Commentator: Wow!  Game over for Rice!  An efficient kill by Jenkins!

Other Commentator:  Rest in peace to Rice!  And remember, that guy was a killer!

Commentator:   That is right! Kill or be killed in these fights!   Congrats to Omar Jenkins, he lives to fight another day!

 

(At the White House, the President gives a speech on the front lawn)

President:  Now I know there have been some complaints about the Life Fights.  But look, the people, they love them!  The ratings are going through the roof.  Millions of American are tuning in to check it out.

Reporter:  Mr. President, what about the concern many have of children watching the fights?

President:  That is a fair question.  I have already spoken with the different networks and we are going to have a TV-MA rating appear in the top left screen.  We are also making double sure that the commentators are giving fair warning that the battle could turn bloody.

Reporter:  Mr. President some of your critics have said it is truly unethical to have these men fight.  What do you say to that?

President: Unethical?  It is a ridiculous charge.  I am doing so much good.  These are men with no hope.  They are killers. I am giving them a second chance, a chance at redemption.   Win three fights and life is yours.  Never in History, has a President used the pardon so well.

Reporter:  Mr. President people around the country are becoming concerned that too many American are receiving the death penalty.  Can you comment on that?

President:  I am bringing law and order to this country.  Many of these men have made mistakes, terrible mistakes.  And I want to protect the people.  But unlike never before, these men can fight their way out.

 

(Fast Forward)

Commentator:  Alright folks! Here we are!  The deciding fight for Omar Jenkins!   We all saw him use his short sword to handle Rice.  And just two nights ago he was able to kill John Jeppers with his bare hands.   Will Omar have what it takes tonight as he takes on Nelson Minger?

Other Commentator: Nelson Minger is one tough cookie.  He had a lot of gang involvement before he robbed that bank and shot both security guards.  And he is 6 foot 3 inches tall with rumors of knowing some karate!

Commentator:  This is a huge night for the Life Fights.  The President himself is here in attendance just in case Omar Jenkins is able to win this fight.

(The two fighters battle it out and have a stalemate through the first round) 

Ding ding ding!

Commentator: Alright folks we are here in round two!  Oh, here comes the weapons!  Looks like they dropped in some small knives.   Jenkins and Minger both getting the knives.  And they are circling.

Other Commentator:  You can really feel the bloodlust in the air!

Commentator:  Oh! They are on the move! Oh looks like Minger managed to get a deep cut on Jenkins arm!  Okay and here goes Jenkins! WOAH!

(Jenkins moves in and slashes the knife hand of Minger.  It bleeds. He gets the knife out of the hand.  Jenkins get his hand around Minger’s throat.  He plunges the knife into his back and twists.  Minger’s eyes roll back into his head and he collapses on the ground)

Commentator:  Simply Amazing! Huge kill by Jenkins!

Other Commentator: Such cunning to slash the hand before going for the throat!

Commentator:  Folks!  Tonight hard work is going to pay off for Omar Jenkins!

(The President of the United States moves down to the ring with heavy security presence.  He is a given a microphone)

The President:   Good Evening everyone!  We have really been treated to an impressive display tonight.  And as you all can see, these killers are some real tough folks!   First of all I want to say Congratulations to Omar Jenkins!  Omar, you are one heck of a fighter.  Second of all, I want to thank you for your work.  You have killed three inmates over the past week.  All three of those men were on death row and you have saved this country time and money with your efforts. And finally, let’s get to my part of the deal.   By the powers vested in me as President of the United States I hereby remove the death penalty from your slate.  Effective immediately.  Your punishment is now being changed to a life sentence which you may live out in luxury at the Fighters Hotel.    To those of you watching me from Prison, I say to you, train hard!

 

(End of Story)

 

 

Conspiracy, AntiSemitism, The Origin

The Origin of the Jewish Conspiracy that the world is controlled by the Jews.

The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

The text above was published in 1903.  It is an Antisemitic fabricated text.
The text was denounced in THE TIMES in 1920 1921.
The work takes some inspiration from the 1864 work: Dialogue in Hell between Machiavelli and Montesquieu)
If you have ever been curious about where AntiSemitism comes from or where some Antisemites draw their information then know that The Protocols of the Elders of Zion is a very influential text.
You can find interesting info on this work by searching online and looking at the wikipedia page.
-End of post, DJ ROBO BISCUIT

The Man in the Clouds (A story with Aliens and a Man) Biscuit Tale

As he journeyed he traveled up and up

he moved up and up into the Heavens

but he did not get as far as he hoped

his ship fell

it crashed

but he lived

the planet was breathable

he met a friendly creature and the creature stood on two legs just as he

the creature took him in and became his friend

he met friends of the creature and the friends were kind as well

BUT the creature and his friends warned him to not go across the line

“The other side is not safe.”

they said.  he was warned to not go out and meet the others who lived across the line

the others were monsters who spewed venom

but the man was not always wise and of course wanted to see for himself … …

The Weight Loss Man (Guest Contribution)

I want to thank “DJ ROBO BRISKET or Whatever” for this Contribution to the blog page.  It is an interesting story and I hope my fans will find it to be entertaining.

(BEGIN STORY)

Don was the epitome of a man who was destined to be a professional eater but never put in the effort to get past the amateur stage. In fact, back in high school, Don was nominated by his friends to be “Most likely to be a top competitive eater” after witnessing him devour two whole pizzas and he still had room to finish off a bucket of fried chicken. That is just one highlight out of countless other feats of eating. Don never thought much about it. When Don was hungry he would eat.

Don worked at an accounting firm. It was an okay job. Don might go as far as saying it was a good job. The salary was competitive and he enjoyed his co-workers. The cube-farm lifestyle really appealed to Don since it gave him plenty of time to procrastinate during the day while chatting with co-workers.

One day at the accounting firm, there was a fitness ‘competition’ to raise awareness. Awareness of what, Don was not certain, but he played along anyway. Don had never considered himself to be an athlete, but he reckoned he could be competitive in most workplace competitions, except in running. Craig from two cubes over was known for running ultra-marathons.

Don was quickly proven incorrect.

During the push-up competition, Don was unable to complete a single push-up. During the jumping jack competition (which Don, as well as many others, were surprised is a thing), Don was quickly disqualified after his heavy bounces resulted in a smashed monitor from rattling off the desk. There were a few other events at which Don continued the trend of the first two events.

Don was rather disheartened after realizing he came in absolute last place. Of course, they didn’t announce the last place loser, they only announced the top three winners. But Don did the math, he was an accountant after all.

Coming in last place had upset Don, but there was a moment during the competition that made him realize it was time for a change. During the jumping jacks he noticed there were parts of his body that were jiggling while jumping that should not be jiggling on a man. Don determined to do something about his weight.
People made many assumptions about Don, but nobody ever assumed that he was dumb. In fact, he wasn’t dumb. Don was quite intelligent. Don was the type of person who researches everything, and as a result is good at researching things. Weight loss was no exception.

On Don’s fancy smartphone was an app for tracking his food intake. This app was called MyFoodDude. Along with tracking food intake, it would tell one how much they should be consuming. After reading countless reviews (significantly more than a normal person would’ve read through), Don had determined that MyFoodDude was the absolute best app for the job.

For two weeks, Don was extremely precise about all of his intake. He had temporarily given up all of his favorite foods, and instead had to carefully weigh all of his new and bland foods before eating. After those two weeks, Don had lost about five pounds. He was happy to see the results, but the accountant in him instantly extrapolated and saw how long he would have to be eating carefully.

Don had noticed it was obnoxiously easy to make a mistake when converting units within the app. When one switched from grams to lbs it would keep the value from the grams. If one wasn’t careful, they could easily add 200 lbs of a food when they had meant 200 grams. Don was always watching out for this since he wanted to be precise in his tracking.

After those two weeks, Don decided to celebrate with a day of no tracking foods and instead eating some pizza. It was Don’s favorite food after all, and he had lost five pounds, so it was justified to him.

Remarkably, when Don weighed himself the next morning he had not gained any weight. In fact, he had continued his weight loss trend and he was absolutely starving. Chicken and quinoa have their place, but when Don felt as though he was about to expire from starvation, there was always available loving embrace of fast food only minutes away. Don hopped in his car and sped to the nearest golden arches.

Don couldn’t decide if he wanted one BigMac or two, so he opted for three. It made sense to Don at the time, as he was indeed very hungry.

The next couple of days went by similarly. Don was getting alarmed at his rapid weight-loss and thought it might be something medical. Before jumping to conclusions, Don decided to use that app, MyFoodDude to make sure that he was eating enough. When Don first opened the app, it showed him a streak of missed days. Somewhere in the back of Don’s mind, he noticed that those missed days corresponded with his days of starvation. The thought never reached the conscious portion of Don’s mind, and disappeared into nothingness.

After tracking a full day of eating, Don felt content and healthy. Don was no longer fearing death by starvation. Perhaps he had not been eating enough the past few days, Don had theorized. The next few days involved lots of weighing and measuring of foods and liquids to ensure that another similar accident didn’t occur.

One day, Don had cooked 300 grams of shrimp. Shrimp is low in calories and high in protein, so it was a good, albeit expensive entree. While tracking this, Don forgot to switch from pounds to grams. As the save button was inattentively pressed, Don instantly died.

A few weeks and many similar obituary entries later, MyFoodDude was updated. In the patch notes was “Fixed erratic behavior.”

(END OF STORY)

 

Don’t Derive And Drive (Calculus Rap)

A shout out to The Scholar and Young Boi Sam for this Calculus Rap!  Don’t Derive and Drive!!!  If you need inspiration to perform the wonderful math known as Calculus then look no further!

 

 

This rap was inspired by living and existing at Raleigh Charter High School in Raleigh, North Carolina.

 

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)