The Weight Loss Man (Guest Contribution)

I want to thank “DJ ROBO BRISKET or Whatever” for this Contribution to the blog page.  It is an interesting story and I hope my fans will find it to be entertaining.

(BEGIN STORY)

Don was the epitome of a man who was destined to be a professional eater but never put in the effort to get past the amateur stage. In fact, back in high school, Don was nominated by his friends to be “Most likely to be a top competitive eater” after witnessing him devour two whole pizzas and he still had room to finish off a bucket of fried chicken. That is just one highlight out of countless other feats of eating. Don never thought much about it. When Don was hungry he would eat.

Don worked at an accounting firm. It was an okay job. Don might go as far as saying it was a good job. The salary was competitive and he enjoyed his co-workers. The cube-farm lifestyle really appealed to Don since it gave him plenty of time to procrastinate during the day while chatting with co-workers.

One day at the accounting firm, there was a fitness ‘competition’ to raise awareness. Awareness of what, Don was not certain, but he played along anyway. Don had never considered himself to be an athlete, but he reckoned he could be competitive in most workplace competitions, except in running. Craig from two cubes over was known for running ultra-marathons.

Don was quickly proven incorrect.

During the push-up competition, Don was unable to complete a single push-up. During the jumping jack competition (which Don, as well as many others, were surprised is a thing), Don was quickly disqualified after his heavy bounces resulted in a smashed monitor from rattling off the desk. There were a few other events at which Don continued the trend of the first two events.

Don was rather disheartened after realizing he came in absolute last place. Of course, they didn’t announce the last place loser, they only announced the top three winners. But Don did the math, he was an accountant after all.

Coming in last place had upset Don, but there was a moment during the competition that made him realize it was time for a change. During the jumping jacks he noticed there were parts of his body that were jiggling while jumping that should not be jiggling on a man. Don determined to do something about his weight.
People made many assumptions about Don, but nobody ever assumed that he was dumb. In fact, he wasn’t dumb. Don was quite intelligent. Don was the type of person who researches everything, and as a result is good at researching things. Weight loss was no exception.

On Don’s fancy smartphone was an app for tracking his food intake. This app was called MyFoodDude. Along with tracking food intake, it would tell one how much they should be consuming. After reading countless reviews (significantly more than a normal person would’ve read through), Don had determined that MyFoodDude was the absolute best app for the job.

For two weeks, Don was extremely precise about all of his intake. He had temporarily given up all of his favorite foods, and instead had to carefully weigh all of his new and bland foods before eating. After those two weeks, Don had lost about five pounds. He was happy to see the results, but the accountant in him instantly extrapolated and saw how long he would have to be eating carefully.

Don had noticed it was obnoxiously easy to make a mistake when converting units within the app. When one switched from grams to lbs it would keep the value from the grams. If one wasn’t careful, they could easily add 200 lbs of a food when they had meant 200 grams. Don was always watching out for this since he wanted to be precise in his tracking.

After those two weeks, Don decided to celebrate with a day of no tracking foods and instead eating some pizza. It was Don’s favorite food after all, and he had lost five pounds, so it was justified to him.

Remarkably, when Don weighed himself the next morning he had not gained any weight. In fact, he had continued his weight loss trend and he was absolutely starving. Chicken and quinoa have their place, but when Don felt as though he was about to expire from starvation, there was always available loving embrace of fast food only minutes away. Don hopped in his car and sped to the nearest golden arches.

Don couldn’t decide if he wanted one BigMac or two, so he opted for three. It made sense to Don at the time, as he was indeed very hungry.

The next couple of days went by similarly. Don was getting alarmed at his rapid weight-loss and thought it might be something medical. Before jumping to conclusions, Don decided to use that app, MyFoodDude to make sure that he was eating enough. When Don first opened the app, it showed him a streak of missed days. Somewhere in the back of Don’s mind, he noticed that those missed days corresponded with his days of starvation. The thought never reached the conscious portion of Don’s mind, and disappeared into nothingness.

After tracking a full day of eating, Don felt content and healthy. Don was no longer fearing death by starvation. Perhaps he had not been eating enough the past few days, Don had theorized. The next few days involved lots of weighing and measuring of foods and liquids to ensure that another similar accident didn’t occur.

One day, Don had cooked 300 grams of shrimp. Shrimp is low in calories and high in protein, so it was a good, albeit expensive entree. While tracking this, Don forgot to switch from pounds to grams. As the save button was inattentively pressed, Don instantly died.

A few weeks and many similar obituary entries later, MyFoodDude was updated. In the patch notes was “Fixed erratic behavior.”

(END OF STORY)

 

Corporate Man (March 25th)

I drive to work.

I am prepared to represent the corporation.

I must prepare to work in a pleasant and courteous manner.

What is paramount is the customer.  I am obsessed about the customer.  It is vital to the survival of the company that the customer is satisfied.

I am prepared to seek out new customers.

I must maintain and pleasant and courteous manner.

I must not lose my cool.  I must not fall asleep.  I must self-motivate.  I must go above and beyond in my work.

I shall respond to emails in a quick and timely manner.

The customer must be satisfied.

No matter if they are mean or rude, I shall be pleasant.

I am a fortress of pleasantry.

 

-DJ ROBO BISCUIT, end of entry, March 25th

UnNamed Dave The Final Chapter

“What do you think?”

“Well I can’t make the 90 calls.  It is just too much.  We are annoying the customer too much and burning our bridges.  To call the same people 3 times or more in a day it does not make sense.  We are no longer inside sales, we are just telemarketers.”

The Sales Director was not happy.  “That is where you are wrong.  This is how sales is.  It is a numbers game and you have to be aggressive.  If you don’t want to call people and be persistent then maybe you should consider if sales is for you.”

Dave had more.  “Well I have another question.  Why do you think our sales dried up in December and January?  It seemed like things were going well in October and November.  Was it something external?”

The Sales Director was still pissed.  “No.  It was you reps.  You reps are lazy.  Thinking that you can only make 20 calls and make sales.  Just not doing the work and trying to get by on as little work as possible.”

“So you think it is because everyone here is just not working hard?  Everybody on this sales floor is trying to do as little work as possible?”  Dave asked.

“Yep that is it.” -The Sales Director

 

END OF ENTRY DJ ROBO BISCUIT

UnNamed Dave Final Chapter continued.

The manager returned.

“You need to talk to our Sales Director.”

“Okay.” Said Dave.

Dave got up and walked to the Sales Director’s office and sat down.

The Sales Director was on the phone and hung up.

He looked at Dave.  “Come on in.  Have a seat.”

Dave noticed the Director had started wearing high collars.  He could see there were some strange bumps on the back of his neck.

“I wanted to speak to you.  I know who your manager is.  I just wanted to clear the air and answer any questions you had.”

DJ ROBO BISCUIT

Final Chapter Continued

Dave sits down.

The manager sits down.

“I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand why the numbers are so low.”  The manager says and looks at Dave.

“I am going to quit.” Dave says a little bit shakily.

“You are going to quit?”  The manager asks.

“Yes.  The job is just stupid now.  I can not make the 90 calls a day.  We are no longer performing the job of an inside sales rep we are just telemarketing.”  Dave said.

“If you want to quit that is up to you.”  The manager said.

TO BE CONTINUED …

UnNamed Dave – Final Chapter (End)

Dave was working at his desk.  He was excited.  He was having some success.  The customers were interested.  He could feel that sales were about to come in.  He had used his energy to talk to prospects who were more likely to purchase.

But, his call numbers were lower than what they were supposed to be at that certain time of day.  His manager and the Sales Director were expecting 40 calls and Dave only had 20 calls.

He received an email.

“Dave,

These call numbers are not acceptable.  By this time of day there should be 35 calls at a minimum.  I can not understand why your numbers are so low.  We are going to have a meeting later today where we discuss how we will fix this.  I need a written plan from you.  Nevertheless, by the end of the day I should see 90 calls.

Thanks,

Manager.”

Dave read the email.  He was upset.  The organization did not care about the quality of the calls, they only cared about the quantity.  They just wanted to see the number.  Something they could measure and quantify.  Dave sat there and contemplated his life.  He knew he could no longer keep his sanity and continue working at ComboTech.

He used the Company Skype and contacted his manager.  “May I speak to you privately?”

The Manager responded, “Sure.”

Dave’s heart was beating fast.  He thinks that maybe his fight-or-flight response was triggered …

His manager stood up from the desk and moved towards an open meeting room.

TO BE CONTINUED

The Age of Charlie Blossom – WORKING

Working by Studs Terkel 

People Talk About What They Do All Day and How They Feel About What They Do

This is a book.  The book carries importance to a curious person.  Everyday people wake up and go to work.  There place of work, they have certain rules they have to follow and certain procedures they need to follow.  During the course of the 8-hour-work-day, people have to work but they are never asked how they feel about what they are doing.  Naturally, an individual person must comply with the rules and expectations of the company in order to maintain their employment.

One of the most interesting entries is “The Age of Charlie Blossom” about a guy named Charlie Blossom.

He rambles all over the place.  He discusses working and having the job but he also has desires for anarchy and he does not like that he has to work in general.

Here is a paragraph from the story:

“I’ve gotten myself on unemployment.  They were nice to me the first few times, then a woman told me to get a number.  I wanted to tell her, Fuck you.  I can wait outside your apartment and knock you over the head and steal your money.  Fuck your money.  It’s not your money in the first place.  It’s mine.  I worked for it.  And if you don’t give it to me, I don’t give a fuck, ’cause I’ll live anyway.  When I was younger and applied for a job and the guy wouldn’t give me a reason for not hiring me, I would say, “It’s okay.”  I wouldn’t yell at him, “You’re a racist pig.”  I’d think, Fine.  Mao Tse-tung will hire me to kill you.  Or I could be a bank robber. But that bitterness, I don’t like being bitter.  I’m a pacifist.”  -End of Paragraph, Charlie Blossom

 

If you enjoyed that, then I recommend Working by Studs Terkel.

Thank you,

DJ ROBO BISCUIT