Tennis, Yoga Pants, Endowments

I was worried.  I did not want Lululemon to make an appearance.  My feeble man-brain and crotch can only handle so much estrogen nearby.  The last time that a beautiful Yoga Pants girl ran by it completely derailed me.

I was battling my rival Josh.  Today, he walked with swagger.  He was feeling extra confident.  His face carried a smugness that I just wanted to punch.  Punch HARD!

I was preparing to toss my ball in order to hit a beautiful kick (topspin) serve.  But in the corner of my eye, the devil had sent one of his minions.  There she was.  She was sweaty.  But the sweat was like dots of ambrosia (the nectar of the Gods).   Just wearing a sports bra and form-fitting yoga pants.  I think I was in love.   She did not look that different from my old flame, LuluLemon (I have to call her LuluLemon because I do not know her name).

I lost the game.  My mind was totally on new Yoga Pants girl.

As me and Josh changed sides he was blabbering about how he had added Pinterest to his collection of Social Media.   (In my mind:  Nobody cares Josh.)   He mentioned something about “pinning” a tennis racquet to his board or whatever after he defeated me.

I really wanted to defeat Josh.   But I also wanted to make sweet love to these yoga pants girls.

Tennis is hard.

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

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#GirlBoss (NastyGal) Review

I enjoyed reading this book.  It was interesting and the book sucks you in.

The story is about the Rise of Sophia Amoruso.  She is the Founder of NastyGal.

Her book is quite interesting.  She discusses growing up and being somewhat of an outcast and a rebel.   She really had a hard time in school.   Is it because she is a genius?   Probably not.   She seemed to be just more of an undisciplined kid.   However, she did face some various hardships and she had lots of encounters with authority/teachers.

One nice thing is that she really appreciated her time with one of her high school history teachers.  He was kind of a hippie and she really enjoyed talking to him and riffing about life.

She had various jobs like Subway worker (Sandwich artist).   And at one point she was a hitchhiker.

I don’t want to give away the whole story of the book.   Her story is interesting and kind of inspiring.

As one of her employees at NastyGal said “Sophia is the original BadAss Bitch.”  (I think I quoted that correctly)

If you enjoy reading about entrepreneurship and a little about fashion and just reading about interesting people then this book is an “easy read” and entertaining.

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT, Stay Fluffy)

I Battle Josh and My Own Mind (Amateur)

I was playing Josh once again.

His backhand was working well.  He had a rock solid two-handed backhand.  He would step in and rotate well.  He also disguised his shot and I did not know if he would go down the line or go crosscourt.

On the changeover he was annoying.  “Hey man you are playing well. But not well enough.”  He smirked.

I said “You are hitting your backhand nicely.”

“What do you expect?  My backhand is a beast.  And I am a beast.”  Words of wisdom from Josh.  He truly was a master of humility.

I could not let Josh defeat me as he would post the victory to his Facebook wall.  This is not acceptable to me.   The public (a.k.a Josh’s 700 Facebook friends) must not know of my defeat at the hands of Josh.

 

Many people were walking by.  I think it was almost mixed doubles time.   There was a beautiful Indian woman passing by.   She was well endowed.   My concentration was lost.  I wondered if her husband was her mixed doubles partner.  Or perhaps it was a different man who was good at tennis.  And maybe they saw each other sometimes.  Maybe there was an affair.  Maybe she was split between her tennis life and her personal life.   Josh Ace’d me.  Damn.

“Let’s Go!”  Josh yelled out.

This is slipping away from me.  I must focus.

I plant my feet and drive the ball.   I hit to his forehand which is his weaker side and I get the unforced error from him.  “VAMOS!”  I yell.    Deep in my mind I hope the lovely Indian lady hears my voice.   Perhaps I could be the third man in her life.

I gotta keep my head in the game.  I can not let Josh defeat me.

(END OF ENTRY, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

P.S. Feel free to check out the “Noodle World” series on my blog (it is a satire with religion)

Amateur Diaries (Part 3)

I was battling my arch-rival Little Johnny.  Sometimes just called Lil’ Johnny.   Lil’ Johnny was not very tall.    He was a grown man but not much taller than a 12 year old boy.   Johnny the Little hit the ball very flat.   And because of his size it was a tricky play.  Since he was not very tall when he launched his flat ball it often did not look like it was going to go over the net however, Lil’ Johnny has been playing his style forever and he was incredibly good at making his low flat ball.

We were battling.

He had a break and I was serving at 1-3 in the first set.   I tossed up my ball and all I could think was “kick, kick, kick” (I really wanted to kick that serve).    Lame.   I hit it in the net. This can be a very frustrating game.

I was preparing to toss up the ball for my second serve.   Then a lovely lady walked by.   She had silky blonde hair and a muscular body.    I double faulted.

“Why do all of these beautiful women show up at my matches?”

She was thin and she was strong.  This girl was beautiful.

I heard her silky voice.  “Let’s go Johnny!”

I couldn’t believe it.  She was pulling for Little Johnny.    Damn.  Maybe he isn’t that little?

I walk back to grab a ball off the fence.   Did I leave the stove on?  Focus.  Focus on playing tennis.

I use topspin and kick my serve in.  Little Johnny steps up and hits it cross-court.  I go for the backhand down-the-line and I miss it wide.  Damn.

“Let’s go Johnny!  Good shot.” The Blonde hair beauty cheers.

Damn.  This is demoralizing.  I’m distracted now and Lil’ Johnny has this super hot chick pulling for him.  This is unbelievable.

My mind wandered to that one girl who liked me in Middle School.  But I kind of ignored her … ….   I wonder if she was super beautiful now?   If I had just stuck with her maybe she would be cheering for me right now.  Damn.  Life.

Lil’ Johnny continued to hit deceptive and tough flat balls.  I continued to be very distracted with my clusterFudge of a mind.

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

Amateur Diaries Part 2

It was another battle with Josh.   I really really did not want to lose my battle against Josh.  I was worried if I lost he would post on his Facebook wall that he defeated the “Young Buck” or something along those lines.

I AM NOT THE YOUNG BUCK!

But as the match progressed I was having a hard time staying focused.

I was lost in my thoughts.  “Did Ronald Reagan lose his mind?”  “Did The Press crucify Bill Clinton too much?”  “Is the Military-Industrial Complex a real thing?”   “Will I ever find true love?”

I am missing balls in the net.    ZING! ZANG! WHOMP!    “Ace!” Josh yells out in his annoying voice.

I gotta keep it together.

I see a chipmunk find a nut next to the court.  I am completely lost in contemplation.  I wonder if that chipmunk has a family.   Do they love each other the same as us humans?

“Ace!” Josh yells out.

Damn.  I am getting spanked.

A beautiful lady walks by.  I lose it.   There are just too many distractions.  “Is that a single lady?” “Will she by my wife?”

Why do women always wear their sexy clothes to work out in?

“ACE!”  Josh’s serve flies past my racquet.

Man, this is just like that movie, Wimbledon, everything is happening kind of cheesy and I don’t even get to sleep with Kirsten Dunst!   Damn.   I really do not want Josh to post on Facebook about defeating me.

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

Beauty Beyond Bones (The Biscuit)

(Dedicated to Beauty Beyond Bones; Sunglasses Girl)

I woke up this morning and I was feeling #blessed

I looked out my window and I just could not help but think “Wow God is so good.”

I arose out of my bed which was so comfy and soft.  I placed my happy feet on the ground and made sure to adjust my undergarments to keep everything covered up.  Gotta keep my pig in the blanket if you know what I mean #DecentExposure #DoItForTheLord

I looked in my mirror and I was happy with my reflection.  “Man I look good.   And Thank you God for blessing me with my beauty.”  #GiveItUpToGod #GodIsGood #ClearlyNotJustGenetics

I was checking my e-mails.  I saw that Harvard sent me an e-mail in response to my job application.   “This is so good God thank you.” (that was my thought)     I read the e-mail.  I did not get the job.   I began to think, “Maybe I am not good enough?   Do I suck?  Will anybody ever hire me?”    But then I remembered, “Wait a second.  This is just part of God’s plan.   Thank you to the Lord.”    Just feeling #Blessed for my smart realizations

I walked into my local Barnes&Noble. #GodIsGood     As I walked over to the inner Starbucks I was feeling #blessed for all of the cold hard cash I had in my wallet.  Ready to spend some of that green on my favorite charity: myself.   Don’t worry God I’ll be putting the change in the tip jar.  #Giving #Blessed         I got myself a nice pumpkin spice latte and was super excited to take a photo of it and then slam it onto all of my social media and just explode the internet.  #JustWhatTheLordWanted #DoingGodsWork

I picked up a copy of “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” because I enjoy reading #BlessedForMyOwnLiteracy and I knew that Frederick Nichey McNietzche was a good author but as I began reading the book I was totally feeling NOT #Blessed … …. I read the words “God is Dead” and I just knew that this book was the work of the Devil and the Dark Lord himself must have possessed the crazed Nietzsche to write such a vile abomination.   Luckily, I had my tiny cross around my neck and I grabbed it.  It gave me comfort.   Was once again feeling #blessed and #Safe with my faith to give me strength

As I got back home for my super comfy nap time I just couldn’t stop feeling so #blessed for being a good looking person and being able to take naps after chilling at Barnes&Noble

#KeepItUpGod #StayFresh #Fluffy

(End of Entry, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)

Lemonade Time (Continued)

“So what do you guys think?”

“Will you pay us?”   The big one asked.

“Oh Yes of course.”  The King said.

“We will always be paid?”  The less big one asked.

“Yes Yes you will always get paid.”  Said the King.

The King continued you on speaking.  “Yes you two will be getting paid.  I need some guys who have some muscle to work for me.   I predict that I am going to start gaining a little bit more profile and get a little bit more popular.   I will need some guys that I know who can step in and help me out when things get, how could I say, um ‘dicey.’ ”

“What do you mean?”   The big one asked.

“I think with the clients that I will have, there will be a need for protection.   Sometimes things will get heated and I am going to need to know that I will be safe.    Do you understand Fudge?”  The King asked.

“Yes sir.” Fudge said.

“What about you Lug?”  The King asked the smaller guy.

“Yes sir.  I understand.”  Lug responded.

The King seemed pleased.   “Very good boys.  I will organize the schedule so you two will know when I need protection.  I think it will be a little bit slow at first.   Also, when you two address me, I would like it to be ‘sir’ or ‘boss’ or ‘boss-man’     Do you guys got it?”

Fudge looked at him.   “Yes sir Boss Man we got it.”

(End of Entry, Lemonade, DJ ROBO BISCUIT)